I'm not a Muggle, Not Yet a Wizard
by MakeYouHappy
Summary: Britney Spears comes to Hogwarts. Ron and Hermione fall in love. Love triangle between Harry, Ginny, and Draco. Voldie sings! Plus lots more
1. The Concert

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

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I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman belongs to Britney Spears

Author's Notes: I'd like to dedicate this story to my sister Mandy who made me believe in myself. Plus she and I like to make fun of Twitney Smears together. I'd also like to thank "Mr. Critic" for giving me the inspiration for a new character. He is my MUSE, my beauty, my inspiration, my punching bag

Some of this story is comedy and some of it's more serious, but I hope you all enjoy it! Oh yeah, and if you like Britney Spears, you may not like this story! Just a warning.

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I'm Not a Muggle Not Yet a Wizard

By Sara

Chapter 1

"Where's my sweetie pookins Dudley doo?" Aunt Pentunia asked as she came inside the house followed by Uncle Vernon. She held up an envelope. "I have a prezzy wezzy for my wittle Poopsie!"

Dudley, who had been watching the telly on the couch, which was covered with cookie crumbs and potato chips, jumped up. "What is it? What is it? What is it?" he asked excitedly.

Uncle Vernon glared at Harry. "Get back to your chores boy!"

Harry sighed. While Dudley had been watching TV, he had been cleaning the house. He sure wished he could use magic over summer break. He went back to dusting the shelves, while keeping an eye on the Dursleys.

Dudley ran over to his mother and grabbed the envelope from her bony hand and ripped it open. "OH BOY!" he screamed. "BRITNEY SPEARS CONCERT TICKETS!!!!"

Aunt Petunia beamed widely. "I knew you wold love it, sweetie pookie pooh. I know how much you love her. She's coming to London to give a concert soon and your father and I are taking you to it."

Harry groaned inwardly. He couldn't stand Britney Spears! Dudley had her posters taped everywhere in her room. She was the ugliest muggle Harry had ever seen! Her skin was all leathery from fake tans, her hair was an awful shade of fake blond, she wore more make up than a 2 cent ho, and her voice! ARGHHHH. Dudley was always playing her albums and it drove Harry up the wall. It also drove Hedwig crazy. Harry envied her, wishing HE could fly away when that tramp was singing!

No doubt about it, Dudley played his Britney Spears albums all day, every day and it drove Harry positively mad! Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia thought it was "sooooooooo precious" how their little Doobie Woobie Dudley had a crush on that tramp. 

Harry tried to omit the sound by using headphones and stuffing the crack in his door with towels, but nothing would work. The voice of a hell demon kept ringing through his head. Harry didn't know what was worse, Britney Spears singing, or Dudley singing along to the songs. Dudley would dance around and sing. 

"OH BAYYYY-BUH. OH BAYYYY-BUH, HOW WAS I SUPPOSE TO KNOWWWW THAT SOMETHING WASN'T RIGHTTTT- YEAH. OH BABY BABY, I SHOULDN'T HAVE LET YOU GO."

Harry marched out of his room and into Dudley's room. "WOULD YOU PLEASE SHUT UP!!!!" he cried. 

Dudley ignored him and kept on singing and doing some retarded dance. "WHEN I'M NOT WITH YOUUUUU, I LOSE MY MIND. GIVE ME A SIGNNNNNNNNNN. HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME."

"If you don't shut up, I'll, I'll-" Harry pointed his finger at him in a menacing way. 

Dudley shrieked like a girl and ran out of his room yelling, "Mum! Mum!"

Harry shut off the music. Finally, some peace and quiet, he thought. He was tempted to break the CDs, but he resisted.

***

"I'm afraid I have some bad news," Uncle Vernon said a week later at the dinner table.

"What is it?" asked Aunt Petunia looking worried.

"It seems Mrs. Figg won't be able to watch the little brat while we're at the concert. She said she's busy that night." He glared at Harry like it was his fault.

"Well, if she can't watch him, what are we going to do?" cried Aunt Petunia.

"It looks like he'll have to come with us," Uncle Vernon said regrettably.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Dudley and Harry screamed.

"You can't make me go to that concert!" Harry cried. I'll go deaf listening to that screaming banshee."

"Mum!" Harry's insulting Britney again!" Dudley whined.

"There will be no more insulting of Ms. Spears!" Aunt Petunia glared at Harry.

"You WILL go to this concert and you WILL enjoy yourself," a red faced Uncle Vernon yelled at Harry.

Harry sighed and slumped down in his chair. There was no winning this battle. After dinner he went upstairs to write a note to Ron to tell him about his nightmare.

***

Ron, Fred, and George were in the living room when they heard a hooting sound at the window. 

"Hey, it's Hedwig!" said Ron as he took the letter from Hedwig. He opened the letter and began to read.

"Harry says his aunt and uncle are taking his cousin to a Britney Spears concert and he has to go with them." 

Fred frowned. "I wonder who that is?"

"Sounds like she's a muggle singer who Harry can't stand," said Ron still reading the letter. "I bet Hermione knows who she is. She knows EVERYTHING about muggles. She told me she has something called a computer at home. Let's send her an owl and ask her."

"Ickle Ronnies just wants an excuse to write to his sweetpea!" Fred teased.

Ron went bright red. "Shuddup!"

"Are you going to write you sweet Hermy?" George said as he made kissing sounds.

It was no secret Fred and George knew about Ron's little crush on Hermione. Ron huffed upstairs to write a letter to both Hermione and Harry.

***

Hermione had been sitting at her desk writing in her notebook before the owl arrived. She had been writing RON and HERMIONE FOREVER with a big heart around it and Mr. and Mrs. Ron Weasley and Mrs. Hermione Weasley and sometimes even Mr. and Dr. Ronald Granger-Weasley. Hermione had a HUGE crush on Ron, but she didn't think the feeling was mutual. Her heart began to beat fast when she saw that Ron's owl was at her window with a message. She took the letter and read it. It was asking her if she knew who Britney Spears was.

"Oh for crying out loud," Hermione muttered.

Of course she knew who that skank was. But why the HELL did Ron want to know this? She was not happy. She then read more of the letter and began to calm down. It turned out that they were wondering because Harry's aunt and uncle were taking him and his cousin to one of her concerts. Obviously from the sounds of it, Harry was not fond of Ms. Spears. Hermione smiled to herself. At least she had one smart friend! 

Hermione replied to Ron's letter explaining to him who Britney Spears was. She included a picture of her from one of her _Vogue _magazines. It was a photo from her _Oops! I Did it Again! _video. She was wearing that ugly red leather bodysuit. It was Ms. Spear's in all her skankiness glory.

***

Harry sat in the backseat of the Dursleys car as they drove to London to the Britney Spear's concert. He wished death would take him. Even being in the presence of Voldemort would be better than the horrors that awaited him that night.

"Yay! We're here!" Dudley cried as Uncle Vernon pulled into the parking lot of the outdoor arena.

On the way to their seats they passed a souvenir stall that had Britney Spears t-shirts, Britney Spears posters, Britney Spears concert books and lots of other crap.

"Mum! I want to buy something!" Dudley cried.

Aunt Petunia bought Dudley a poster, t-shirt, hat and concert book.

Harry was surprised to see that there were actually lots of people. He figured there would be ten people there, tops. Most of her fans were ten-year-old girls dressed like their slut idol. To his horror, they were in the second row. Way too close to the skank. Dudley, Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon took their seats. Harry had to sit on the cold cement floor. His uncle hadn't bothered to get him a seat when he learned Harry would be joining them.

Everywhere started screaming loudly when the stage went dark and a purple spotlight silhouetted Britney Spears. The music for _Hit Me Baby One More Time _started. Britney stepped out of the light and began to sing (well, lip synch). Harry had to muster all the strength he had not to laugh. Britney was wearing an ugly pink sequined see-through dress with black underwear. Her nappy hair was looking especially nappy tonight. 

After the song ended, Britney said, "He'yall! How y'all doin' tonight?"

The crowd cheered.

"It's so great to be here in, uh, where am I?" She glanced to the side of the stage. "Oh yeah! London!"

Harry rolled his eyes.

"Are y'all ready to have a good time tonight?"

"YEAH!"

"Are y'all ready to sing?"

"YEAH!"

"Are y'all ready to have some finger-lickin' good, likity split fun?"

"YEAH"

__

What the -?

"Are y'all ready to get this party started?"

"YEAH!"

__

Are you ready to act like a slut? Harry thought.

Music started and Britney sang _Sometimes. _Song after song, Harry sat in pain, his ears bleeding. He had never suffered through such horrible pain before.

"Well, it looks like we're coming to the end of the show," Britney said after she sang _I'm a Slave 4 U. _

There was a collective "aww" throughout the audience.

__

Thank God, thought Harry.

"But before the night ends, I have one more song to sing. This song is so very dear to me -" she touched her heard - "and I hope it's dear to you too."

She sat on the stool and began to sing (live this time). She was way offkey but Harry figured her moronic fans probably didn't even notice.

__

I used to think I had the answers to everything  
But now I know  
That life doesn't always go my way  
Feels like I'm caught in the middle  
That's when I realize  
  
I'm not a girl, not yet a woman  
All I need is time, a moment that is mine  
While I'm in between  
I'm not a girl  
  
There is no need to protect me  
It's time that I  
Learn to face up to this on my own  
I've seen so much more than you know now  
So don't tell me to shut my eyes  
  
I'm not a girl, not yet a woman  
All I need is time, a moment that is mine  
While I'm in between  
I'm not a girl

But if you look at me closely  
You will see it in my eyes  
This girl will always find her way  
  
I'm not a girl, not yet a woman  
All I need is time, a moment that is mine  
While I'm in between  
I'm not a girl  
  
_(I'm not a girl) I'm not a girl, don't tell me what to believe  
(Not yet a woman) I'm just trying to find the woman in me, yeah  
(All I need is time) Oh, all I need is time  
(A moment that is mine) That's mine  
While I'm in between  
I'm not a girl, not yet a woman, no no  
All I need is time, a moment that is mine  
While I'm in between  
I'm not a girl, ooh  
Not yet a woman_

Everyone stood up and erupted into applauds. Harry couldn't believe people were applauding for this no talent ho. After the clapping died down he heard a familiar hooting sound.

__

Uh oh.

In the sky he saw Hedwig swoop down close to spectator's heads. They screamed. Hedwig flew towards Harry as people screamed in terror at the low-flying owl.

Aunt Petunia, Uncle Vernon and Dudley huddled together and shriek as the owl came closer to them. Hedwig dropped a letter on Harry's lap and he saw his name written in Ron's handwriting. Hedwig had been flying so fast she couldn't control herself. She flew out of control towards and stage and straight into Britney's chest. Britney screamed as she was knocked to the floor by the snowy owl's weight and slid across the floor. 

"Get this filthy thing away from me!" she screeched

The stage crew ran out to help her. There was chaos everywhere, not to mention feathers. Poor Hedwig was so scared but she managed to fly away unharmed.

Uncle Vernon was fuming mad. "Come on boy," he said taking Harry roughly by the ear. "We're going home."

"YOU RUINED THE CONCERT!" Dudley screamed at the top of his lungs. "IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"It was already over anyway," Harry protested. "Besides, Hedwig was more scared of Britney than Britney was of her."

"I knew something like this would happen," Aunt Petunia fumed. "I just knew it!"

Nobody talked during the car ride home. Dudley kept shooting Harry death sates. 

When they got back to 4 Privet Drive, Uncle Vernon was screaming again. "How dare you ruin Dudley's special day! You will not be staying here for the rest of the summer! You better hope those redheaded wizard freaks will let you stay with them."

"Fine! I'll go pack right now! Believe me, I don't want to spend another minute here." Harry ran up to his room to send Ron a letter.

***

"Looks like Hermione wrote back," Ron told the twins.

"Did your sugar bear write you a love letter?" George taunted.

Ron ignored him and opened the letter. "She says that Britney Spears is a muggle singer from America who can't sing at all. She's a skank and the only reason she's famous is because she wears little clothing." 

"Eh?" said George, who now had his full attention.

"She says she's the ugliest muggle you've ever seen," Ron continued reading. "And that she's a ho. She's a disgrace to women everywhere."

"What's a ho?" asked Fred as he and George snickered.

Ron rolled his eyes. "Yikes! She even sent a photo of her. Augh! My eyes."

"Lemme see," said George grabbing the photo. "Oh crap! What are you trying to do, blind me?"

"Her latest single is called _I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman," _Ron read with a laugh.

Fred sniggered. What a stupid name for a song."

A familiar hooting sound interrupted them.

"It's Hedwig again," Fred said.

Ron took the envelope from her and read the letter from Harry. He began to laugh.

"What's so funny?" asked Fred.

"Apparently Harry got in trouble at the Britney Spears concert," Ron said tossing the letter to his brothers to read. "He says he's in trouble and now wonders if he can stay here for the rest of the summer."

"Hell yeah, Harry can stay here!" George hooted. "This is going to be so great. We still have a month of summer left."

Just then an irritated-looking Percy came downstairs carrying a thick book. "What's all the racket? Can't you see I'm trying to read?"

"Gee Perce, don't you know its' summer?" said Fred.

"Harry's coming to stay with us for the rest of the summer!" Ron said.

Percy raised his eyebrows. "Does Mum know about this?"

"Well, not yet. But she'll say yes! She loves Harry!"

Mrs. Weasley was more than delighted to have Harry come stay with them for the rest of the summer. Ron happily wrote back to him telling him to come as soon as he could. Harry wrote back and told him he would be there by dinnertime the next day.


	2. Harry's Birthday

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

__

Love is a Battlefield belongs to Pat Benatar

__

I Want to Know What Love Is belongs to Foreigner

__

Wake Me Up Before You Go belongs to Wham!

****

I'm Not a Muggle Not Yet a Wizard

By Sara

Chapter 2

Ginny Weasley was walking down the hall when her twin brothers jumped out in front of her.

"God! You nearly gave me a heart attack!" she exclaimed.

Fred grinned devilishly. "Ginny, you're lover boy is going to be here any moment."

Ginny blushed profusely. The twins were always teasing her about her crush on Harry.

"Don't you want to look good for your luv-ah?" George said.

Ginny looked down at the black pants and white t-shirt she was wearing. "What's wrong with what I have on now?'

Fred made a _tisking _sound with his tongue. "Dear little Ginny, haven't you learned anything growing up with six older brothers? Guys like to see a little skin!"

"But remember," George added with a grin, "You're not a girl, not yet a woman."

"Huh?" Ginny said as the twins dissolved into laughter and walked away.

Ginny thought for a second and went into her room to change into a purple tanktop. She also brushed her hair 1000 times and put on a little make up. 

She began to freak out when she heard her mother's voice say, "Hello Harry! It's so wonderful to have you here."

She smiled dreamily when she heard Harry greet everyone.

"Harry's here! WHOO HOO!" Fred shouted as he and George clamored down the stairs to greet their friend.

Harry grinned. He had never had such a warm welcome!

"You're just in time for dinner, dear," Mrs. Weasley said. "Why don't you take your stuff up to Ron's room."

"Okay," said Harry as he followed Ron upstairs.

"And tell Percy and Ginny dinner's ready, Ron," Mrs. Weasley called after them.

While Harry put his stuff away in Ron's room Ron told Percy dinner was ready. Percy greeted Harry on the way down.

"Ginny, dinner's ready," Ginny heard Ron call through her door.

"Okay coming!"

Ginny gave one last look at herself in the mirror. _Ugh, when did I become so vain? _She opened her door and found herself facing Harry and Ron. 

Harry smiled at her. "Hi Ginny!"

__

Oh my God! He's so cute! Why can't he be ugly? Oh my God, I want to -

"Hi Harry," she said hoping she wasn't blushing too much.

"I like your shirt," said Harry admiring her for awhile. "The color goes nicely with your hair."

"Er thanks," said Ginny. She giggled and brushed past them.

Ron gave Harry a look. "Dude. Were you just hitting on my sister?"

"What? No! Of course not! I was just, uh, complimenting her.

"Yeah, whatever." Ron gave him a skeptical look.

They went to the kitchen and took their seats. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley were at the ends of the table with Harry, Ron and Percy on one side and Ginny and the twins sitting across from them. Mrs. Weasley had made a wonderful meal of pot roast and mashed potatoes and gravy. They all hungrily served themselves.

"So Harry, don't you have a birthday coming up in a couple of days?" asked Mr. Weasley.

Harry nodded. "In two days."

"Well Mr. Weasley and Percy and I are going to a play that evening, but we can certainly celebrate your birthday in the afternoon," said Mrs. Weasley.

"Great," said Harry. He was just happy someone actually remembered his birthday. 

"Hey can we invite Hermione over for Harry's birthday?" Ron asked. He ignored the snickering coming from the other side of the table.

"Of course," Mrs. Weasley said. "It will be nice for Hermione to spend the whole day with us."

They continued eating and chatting.

Ginny felt Fred nudge her. "I see you took our advice little sister," he whispered. "And it looks like it worked. Look at Potter."

Ginny casually looked in Harry's direction and caught him staring at her. He quickly turned his head. Ginny turned back to Fred who winked at her.

After dinner Ron wrote a letter to Hermione inviting her to Harry's birthday party. Little did he know, Fred and George were writing their own invitations.

***

It was Harry's birthday and Mrs. Weasley had made Harry a wonderful chocolate cake. They ate as Harry opened presents. Harry was in the living room with Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, Ron, Percy, Fred, George, Ginny and Hermione. She had been able to stay for the day.

"This is from the Missus and myself," Mr. Weasley said handing Harry a gift. It was a maroon sweater and homemade fudge.

"Wow, thanks," said Harry. He really didn't mind he got the same thing from Mrs. Weasley every year. At least she cared.

"Open ours next, Harry," Fred said giving him his and George's gift.

Harry opened it cautiously. He was relieved to see it was a book entitled "101 Wizard Jokes".

"Here you go, Harry," said Percy giving him an envelope.

Harry opened it and found a ticket to the art exhibit in London.

"Thanks, Percy."

"I'm next!" Hermione said as she handed a heavy gift to Harry who instantly knew it was a book. He was right: "The Game of Quidditch."

"Thanks Herm. This might be a book I may actually read."

Hermione rolled her eyes.

Ginny shyly handed her gift to him. 

"Wow, thanks Gin!" he said once he had opened the paper and discovered a smooth piece of amber.

"You really like it?" she asked flushing a bit. "It's a wishing stone."

"Yeah, it's beautiful."

"Last gift," Ron said.

"I love it Ron!" Harry grinned as he opened the Quidditich poster Ron had given him. The players were flying around on it.

Ron grinned. 

***

"Now it's time for the real party!" Fred grinned once Mr. and Mrs. Weasley and Percy left to go to the play.

"Excuse me?" said Ron.

"I already sent the invitations out," said Fred.

"Huh?" said Harry.

Fred slapped Harry on the back. "You're turning sixteen!"

"Fifteen."

"Whatever, and you need a big party to celebrate your big day. So we're just gonna have a little party, you know. We invited a few of our friends from Hogswart. No biggie."

Obviously Fred's idea of a "little party" wasn't the same idea as Harry's. That evening students from Hogswarts kept streaming into the doors. Some were students that Harry knew and some weren't. Among them were Oliver Wood, Katie Bell, Angelina Johnson, Alicia Spinnet, Neville Longbottom, Colin Creevy, Lavender Brown, Cho Chang, Padma and Parvati Patil, Lee Jordan, Seamus Finnigan, and tons others. 

George had used his wand to make the main room into a dance floor. A bright disco ball hung from the ceiling. Music filled the air and food appeared on the tables. Harry knew that Mr. and Mrs. Weasley would not be happy with this situation, but everyone was having a good time and it was so nice that everyone cared about his birthday.

The doorbell rang and Ron answered it.

"Malfoy!" he moaned.

"Weasley! You're having this party?"

"It's Harry's party. What are you doing here anyway?"

Draco held up his invitation.

__

Damn that Fred! Ron thought.

"Go away, Malfoy. My brother made a mistake inviting you. It must have been an accident."

He started to push Draco away, but Draco stopped the door from closing by putting his arm on it. "Whoa! Who is THAT?"

Ron followed Draco's gaze. He was looking at GINNY who was dancing in a forest green slip dress, her red hair going wild as she swayed her head to the music.

"That's my sister!" growled Ron. 

Honestly, why was everyone gawking over his baby sister?

"Whoa, she's nice," said Draco, not taking his eyes off her.

"Get out of here!" Ron roared, but Draco pushed past him.

"Jerk alert!" Ron called.

Draco looked back over his shoulder and gave him a Look. He walked over to Ginny who was now leaning against a table, drinking a glass of punch.

"Well hello there," Draco said. "You must be a broomstick, because you swept me off my feet!" 

  
Ginny stifled a laugh. "Honestly Draco, is that the best pick up line you can come up with? That was so lame. What are you doing here anyway?"

"Now is that a way to treat a guest? You're looking very lovely," he said staring at her body.

She glared at him and started to walk away.

"Don't you want to dance with me?" Draco said, grabbing her arm.

"I'd rather not, thanks. And get your hands off of me!"

"Come on, just one dance please," Draco whined.

God he was so pathetic! But he did look pretty good in his dragonhide pants….

Ginny smiled slyly at him. "Well, since you asked so nicely…..Okay one dance."

Draco smirked at her. "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist my charm."

"Don't press your luck, Draco. Now wait here. I'm going to pick out a song."

Ginny walked over to her dad's collection of muggle CDs. She found what she was looking for and walked over to Lee Jordan who was DJing the party.

"Hey, Lee, can you play this CD, song five?"

"Sure, Ginny."

"Thanks." She strolled back to Draco. "All right, let's dance."

She and Draco began to dance when the song started.

__

We are young.

Heartache to heartache we stand.

No promises. No demands.

Love is a battlefield.

We are strong.

No one can tell us we're wrong.

Searching our hearts for so lo-ong

Both of us know it, love is a battlefield.

Ron was standing next to Harry and Hermione by the snack table when he saw Ginny and Malfoy dancing together.

"What the hell is Malfoy doing with my baby sister?" he fumed.

"Relax, Ron, they're just dancing," said Hermione putting her hand on Ron's arm. "How about you and I dance?"

"Okay," he agreed. There was no way in hell he was going to pass up dancing with The Woman of his Dreams. Besides Hermione was looking mighty fine in a sleeveless orchid-colored satin strapless dress with a rose patterned lace that nicely shaped her curves.

As he was led to the dance floor and looked back at Harry and mouthed, "Keep your eye on Malfoy."

Harry managed to sip on his pumpkin juice, chat with people who came up to wish him a happy birthday and keep an eye on Malfoy all at the same time. He smiled at Ron and Hermione dancing. He knew they both liked each other, but didn't know the other liked them back. Something told him that those two would be a couple in no time.

__

You're making me cold, you're making me stay.

Why do you hurt me so bad.

It would help me to know, do I stand in your way?

Or am I the best thing you've had?

Believe me, believe me, I can't tell you why.

But I'm trapped by your love and chained to your side.

His eyes wandered back to Ginny and Malfoy. Ron's sister sure had become a knockout. She was slender with creamy white skin. Her luminous silky red hair looked so beautiful under the dance light. It hung down her back in whipsy curls and her brown eyes were full of life. 

__

We are young. Heartache to heartache we stand.

No promises. No demands. Love is a battlefield.

We are strong, no one can tell us we're wrong.

Wow, I never knew Ginny was so pretty, Harry thought. _She looks so beautiful in that green dress. It looks so ravishing with her red hair. Redheads sure are gorgeous creatures. They should be considered an eight wonder of the world. I feel so blessed my mum was a redhead. I'm so blessed my best friend is a redhead. Maybe I should ask Ginny out so I'll have a redheaded girlfriend. _(A/N: In case you couldn't tell, I'm a redhead and damn proud of it! :b)

His thoughts were interrupted when the song changed to a slow one. He smiled when he saw Hermione and Ron put their arms around each other, but frowned when Ginny put her arms around Malfoy's neck and Malfoy encircled her waist with his arms.

__

Gotta take a little time   
A little time to think things over   
I better read between the lines   
In case I need it when I'm older 

This mountain I must climb   
Feels like a world upon my shoulders   
Through the clouds I see love shine   
It keeps me warm as life grows colder 

In my life, there's been heartache and pain   
I don't know if I can face it again   
Can't stop now, I've traveled so far   
To change this lonely life 

Apparently Ron had been keeping an eye on Malfoy and his sister too.

"Ow! Ron!" Hermione exclaimed as she felt Ron's hands tighten around her waist. "You're holding me too tight."

"Sorry," he said loosening his grip. "It's just that that slimy Slytherin has his filthy paws on my sister!" He scowled.

Hermione danced around so she could see Draco and Ginny. "Your sister doesn't seem to mind. Besides, Harry's keeping his eye on them. He'll take care of it if Draco tries anything."

"He better not try anything!" Ron glowered.

"Let it go, Ron. You don't want to do anything stupid to ruin Harry's party."

"What would I do stupid?" Ron twirled Hermione around so he could keep his eye on Malfoy. "Oh my God!"

"What?" asked Hermione.

"His hands are awfully close to Ginny's behind! That bastard! That's it! I'm going over there to give him a piece of my mind!"

"Wait, Ron! Harry's walked towards them. He'll take care of it."

Ron relaxed. "Thank God. I'm still going to give that creep what he deserves the first time I see him at Hogswarts."

Harry had also noticed Malfoy putting his dirty paws on Ginny, getting awfully close to her derriere. He also saw Ron looking at them giving Malfoy the evil eye and smoke was almost coming out of his ears. It was time for Harry to move in. He walked up to Malfoy and tapped him on the shoulder.

"What do you want, Potter?" he snapped.

"I would like to cut in please," Harry said politely.

Malfoy scowled at him. "Can't you wait, Potter?"

"No. I would like to dance with the lady now. I am the guest of honor after all."

"Fine," Malfoy snapped as he let go of Ginny and Harry took his place. He shot Harry a nasty look as he went to get some butterbeer.

__

I want to know what love is   
I want you to show me   
I want to feel what love is   
I know you can show me 

"Are you okay?" Harry asked Ginny.

"I'm fine," Ginny replied. _Oh my God. I'm more than fine. I'm on cloud nine! I can't believe Harry Potter asked me to dance. He asked me! And he's touching me! _"Why?"

"Malfoy wasn't getting too friendly with you, was he?" Harry asked.

"No, he was actually acting civil." She stopped. "Wait a minute. Did Ron ask you to watch me dancing with Draco?"

Harry hesitated.

"Oh my God! He did! You were just trying to get me away from Draco! And here I thought you actually wanted to dance with me!" Ginny looked hurt. "But you were just doing a favor for Ron."

"Wait, Ginny, that's not true. I did want to dance with you."

But Ginny shook her head, trying not to let dangerous tears fall. "You don't have to make up excuses."

She turned and ran upstairs leaving Harry helpless. He felt awful. Not to mention Ron wasn't going to be especially thrilled when he found out Harry made his sister cry. 

__

I'm gonna take a little time   
A little time to look around me   
I've got nowhere left to hide   
It looks like love has finally found me 

Hermione and Ron had seen Ginny slump upstairs with a miserable look on her face.

"What's wrong with Ginny?" Hermione asked, but Ron was already in Harry's face.

"What the hell did you do you do to my sister?" he demanded.

"Calm down Ron." Hermione was behind him. "I'm sure Harry has a good explanation, don't you, Harry?" She raised her eyebrows at him.

Harry explained exactly what had happened. "I feel so awful," he ended.

But Ron looked relieved. "So she's just pissed because you rescued her from Malfoy? Don't worry, she'll get over it."

"But I don't think it's that simple-" Harry started, but Ron ignored him. "Here, why don't you dance with Hermione? I'm going to get something to eat. I'm starving!"

***

"Hey, Angie baby, what's up?"

Angelina Johnson turned around with pumpkin juice in hand to see Fred Weasley grinning at her.

She grinned back. "Looking good Frederick."

Fred grinned and combed his hair back with his hand. "Yeah, you know. I've just got that natural Weasley charm. I was born with good taste. Suaveness is in the family."

Angelina rolled her eyes but laughed.

"You're not looking to bad yourself, babe."

Angelina was wearing a white beaded floral print slip dress which looked great on her tall, slender frame. Her black curly hair was held up in daisy clips. 

Fred held out his hand? "Wanna dance, me darling?"

Angelina giggled and took his hand. "How could I resist a charming lad like you?" 

Fred and Angelina had had a history of flirting with each other since Fred had invited her to the Yule Ball last year. People wondered why they just didn't become an official couple already.

__

You put the boom-boom into my heart 

You send my soul sky high when your lovin' starts 

Jitterbug into my brain 

Goes a bang-bang-bang 'til my feet do the same 

But something's bugging you 

Something ain't right 

My best friend told me what you did last night 

Left me sleepin' in my bed

I was dreaming, but I should have been with you instead. 

Fred and Angelina sang along with the chorus very loudly, giggling. 

"Wake me up, before you go-go! Don't leave me hanging on like a yo yo! Wake me up before you go go! I don't want to miss when you hit that high. Wake me up before you go go! Cuz I'm not planning on going solo. Wake me up before you go go! Take me dancing tonight."

** *

"I'm going upstairs to talk to Ginny," Harry said to Hermione. "I just feel so awful."

Hermione gave him a sympathetic look. "I'm sure Ron's right and this will all blow over. She'll forgive you."

Harry sighed. "I sure hope so." He headed upstairs. 

Stay tuned for Ch. 3. Britney makes another appearance, a new character makes his introduction, and we'll find out if Ginny forgives Harry. 

__


	3. School Year Begins

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

****

I'm Not a Muggle Not Yet a Wizard

By Sara

Chapter 3

Ginny was sitting on her bed when she heard somebody knock on her door. She had locked it.

"Who is it?" she snapped.

"It's me," she heard Harry's voice say. "I just wanted to talk to you."

"GO AWAY!" she screamed. "I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU!"

Obviously she still needed time to cool off. Harry went back downstairs where the party was winding down and people were starting to go home.

Draco came over to Harry. "Your friend Weasley throws a half decent party, Potter. It's just too bad you made a girl run away crying just for dancing with her for a minute." He laughed.

Harry scowled at him. "Shut up Malfoy."

Ron came up to them. "Isn't it past your bedtime, Malfoy? Your daddy will be worried if you're not tucked in by now."

"Screw you, Weasley." Draco made a face at him.

"Oh, and if you EVER come near my sister again, there will be hell to pay. Mark my words."

Malfoy just smirked at him and turned on his heels to leave.

"Sodding git," Ron muttered under his breath.

After everyone left, Fred and George returned the house back to normal then they sat with Ron, Harry, and Hermione (who was spending the night) in the living room as they talked.

"Hey! I just realized something!" George grinned. "We forgot to play a Britney Spears song in honor of Harry's birthday. We were thinking of playing that one song, what was it called? Ah, yes _I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman."_

Harry groaned. "Oh, God. Please don't let me relive the agony." 

"I don't get it," said Hermione. "Why would you play that song at Harry's party? That makes no sense."

Fred shrugged. "Maybe not. But it would have been hilarious to see the look on his face!"

"Believe me, you don't want to hear her voice. It's awful." Harry shuddered.

"Yeah," Hermione agreed. "It's not the prettiest sound."

"I wish there was a way we could make her stop singing. I wonder if there's an anti-singing curse somewhere out there," Harry pondered.

"Harry!" Hermione exclaimed.

"What? It would make the world a much brighter place if Britney Spears couldn't sing anymore."

Hermione rolled her eyes.

Just then the door opened and Mr. and Mrs. Weasley and Percy came inside.

"Hello everyone," Mrs. Weasley greeted them.

"Hello Mum," said George. "How was the play?"

"Oh, it was wonderful."

"I thought it was a little too long if you ask me," grumbled Mr. Weasley.

"Oh, Arthur," Mrs. Weasley laughed good-naturally. "We're off to bed. Where's Ginny?"

"She already went to bed," said Ron.

"Okay, don't stay up too late." Mrs. Weasley followed her husband and Percy upstairs.

***

The rest of the summer was uneventful at the Weasley household. Ginny kept giving Harry evil looks while Harry tried to apologize again and again, the twins kept tormenting Ron about his undying love for Hermione, Percy kept giving exasperated sighs and rolling his eyes, Harry practiced Quidditch with Ron and the twins, Molly made delicious meals, Author kept asking Harry what kind of Muggle equipment his relatives owned. 

"Hey Ron, you should try out for the Quidditich team since there'll be an extra spot on the team," said Harry as they were playing the sport with the twins.

"Yeah, Ronnie, come and join the team!" Fred said.

Ron grinned. "I think I will."

"Whoo hoo!" cried George. "Nobody will be able to defeat a team with three Weasleys!"

***

"Does everyone have everything?" Mrs. Weasley asked her children and Harry at Kings Cross Section.

There was a chorus of "yes's."

"All right, Ginny you go first."

Harry was the last to go through the wall. The coast was clear and nobody was looking at him. Mrs. Weasley was talking to Neville Longbottom's grandmother. He took a deep breath and pushed his cart towards Platform Nine and Three-Quarters. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a girl wearing jeans, a tank top and a hat came running in front of him.

"Watch out!" Harry screamed, but he was going to fast to stop. The girl halted in her tracks, her brown eyes wide with terror.

She looked awfully familiar.

It happened in an instant. Harry rammed into the girl sending her through the wall. Her hat fell off revealing a blonde dye job gone horribly wrong.

The girl started to freak. "Oh my God! Where am I?" she said in a Southern accent.

Oh shit. It was Britney Spears. 

Not knowing what to do, Harry pointed his wand at her, changing her into a frog. He would have to deal with the consequences when he got to Hogswarts.

Harry sat next with Ron, Hermione and the twins on the train.

"You guys," he whispered, "something terrible has happened!"

His friends looked alarmed.

"Is He Who Must Not Be Named coming to unleash hell at Hogswarts?" Ron questioned.

"Does your scar hurt?" Hermione asked with concern.

"Did you find out that Snape will be teaching all the classes?" Fred asked. He shuddered at the thought.

"No," said Harry. He held up Britney the frog. See this frog?"

  
They nodded.

"This is Britney Spears."

His friends looked at him for a second as though he was insane, then burst out laughing.

"That was a good one, Harry!" George slapped him on the back.

"Damnit, Harry!" Hermione exclaimed. "That wasn't funny! I thought you were being serious."

"I am serious! This is Britney Spears! She ran out in front of my cart and I accidentally pushed her through the wall."

"No, no," George said through laughter shaking his head. "That can't be Britney Spears because the frog's not ugly enough!"

His twin nearly choked on the chocolate frog he was eating. "Good one George!"

__

Great, thought Harry. _Nobody believes me._

***

In another part of the train, Ginny was sitting with two fourth year Gryffindor girls, Gillian Daniels and Kjirsten Skilensidenoffer.

"Hey, Ginny, what are you doing here? How come you're not sitting with your Prince Harry?' Gillian asked her.

Ginny scowled at the dark haired, blue eyed girl.

Gillian had come to Hogswarts last year as an exchange student from New York City. She had loved it so much, you begged her parents to come back the next year. Her mother was a witch from Salem Massachusetts where Gillian's school was located and her father was a Muggle who worked on Wall Street.

"I'd rather eat shit flavored Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Bean than speak to that jerk!"

Gillian raised her eyebrows. "The hell? I thought you were madly in love with him. Why else would you draw a picture of you two getting married in your notebook?"

"How did you know I-" Ginny started. "Oh, forget it. Harry Potter is a sodding jerk and I never want to see his face again or speak to him again!"

"What happened?" Kjirsten asked in her thick Swedish accent. 

Kjirsten was gorgeous with curly blonde hair and big blue eyes, but she wasn't exactly the brightest bulb in the room. 

Ginny told them.

"That's all?" said Gillian. "I don't think that's so bad."

"He only danced with me because he had to!" Ginny exclaimed. "Ron was treating me like a baby and made him watch me dancing with Draco Malfoy."

"Mmmmm. Draco Malfoy is hot," said Gillian.

"I thought you said Draco was an asshole," said Ginny.

"He is an asshole!" exclaimed Gillian. "He's the King of Assholes! But he's still one fine piece of Slytherin."

"He thinks he's so much better than everyone else because his family has money," said Ginny.

"I bet his family doesn't have as much money as Donald Trump or Bill Gates," Gillian replied.

"Who are they?"

Gillian shook her head. "You wizards are so provincial sometimes. Well I have to admit I'm glad you're over Harry. What the hell is so special about him anyway?"

"Well, he-" Ginny began.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So he defeated some evil wizard. That was like what, fifteen years ago?" She rolled her eyes. "Get over it all ready, Merlin! He's okay, I guess, but if you ask me, you know who I think is fine?"

Ginny rolled her eyes. "You already told me. Draco."

"No, well yes, he is, but I was going to say that guy who was the Gryffindor Quidditch captain. I've seen his picture and he is smoking!"

"Oliver Wood?" said Ginny.

"Yes! That's his name."

"He's five years older than you are."

"So?"

"That would make him nineteen," said Kjirsten.

Gillian rolled her eyes. "Very good, Professor Dumbass."

"Hey!"

"Well, he has a girlfriend anyway," said Ginny.

"The cute ones always do. Damnit, there's no cute boys in the fourth year."

"Are boys the only thing you think about?" Ginny asked.

"Of course not! I also think about how to get their attention."

Ginny rolled her eyes. 

***

No matter how many times Harry tried to tell them, nobody believed frog was really Britney Spears. Well they would certainly be in for a shocking surprise when they got to Hogswarts…

"Hey, baby, wanna hold my wand?" Hermione heard a voice say behind her.

"Go to hell, Mervin!" she huffed.

Mervin Crunk was a fifth year Slytherin. He wore glasses and was a tad overweight. He acted like a big know it all and was always correcting people. He worshipped an evil wizard named Michael Bay who directed horrible movies for the Muggle population to watch. He was very horny and always hitting on the girls. Unfortunately for Hermione, he hit on her the most. Mervin kept stacks of _Play Wizard _and _Pent Castle _under his bed. 

"Oh, I know you want me Granger," he said, stuffing his mouth with chocolate frogs.

Hermione looked disgusted. 

"Get your fat ass out of here!" Ron yelled.

"Oh great, more slimy Slytherin," Fred said as Malfoy came striding in with Crabbe and Goyle trailing behind him.

"Well, well, well," he said in his most arrogant voice. "Look who we have here. The Dream Team!"

"Get bent, Malfoy!" Ron hissed.

"Where's your sister?"

"Why do you want to know?" Ron challenged.

"I need to ask her something."

"You're not going anywhere near my sister! What do you want to ask her? I'll ask her for you."

Draco smirked. "I wanted to ask her if she would like to join my Harry Potter hate club since she's so furious with Potter." He laughed.

Harry slumped down in his seat. Wonderful.

"Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out," Ron said glaring at the Slytherins.

"All right. I know when I'm not wanted here. See you around, losers." 

***

Kjirsten had fallen asleep and Gillian was teaching Ginny how to play a card game named Uno that was very popular in the Muggle world when the door opened and Draco Malfoy came sauntering in. He looked very suave in his black designer robe and slicked back blonde hair.

He smirked when he saw Ginny. "Ah, there you are."

"You were looking for me?" Ginny asked.

Gillian gave him her most dazzling smile and tossed her hair back but he ignored her as he sat next to Ginny.

"Ass hole," she breathed under her breath.

Draco looked at her. "Excuse me?"

"Nothing," she replied smiling sweetly.

Ginny gave her a Look.

"So are you still pissed off at Potter?" 

"That's none of you damn business, Malfoy!" Ginny snapped.

Draco chuckled. "I'll take that as a yes."

"If anybody asks me about Harry again, I'll scream!" Ginny cried. "I don't want to see or talk to that bastard again!"

Draco couldn't contain his huge smile. "Ah, I always knew you were the smart one in your family."

"I'm so glad you're getting so much joy out of this," Ginny said sarcastically.

Draco reached his hand out to brush away a tendril of her hair that was on her forehead. "No, I'm just happy you came to your senses."

And with that he got up and walked away.

Gillian started at Ginny. "Oh my God! Did you see that? Draco Malfoy is into you!"

Ginny blushed. "No he's not."

"Yes he is!" Gillian sighed. "You guys would make a great-looking couple. Hey, I have a great idea!"

"What?" Ginny asked nervously.

"You should date Draco to get back at Harry. You know make him jealous. It works everytime!"

But Ginny shook her head. "Uh huh. No way. I'm not going to use anybody-" she stopped realizing who she was talking about. "Oh, crap. It IS Draco Malfoy, that prat. And he is kinda cute even though he's a jerk. I'll think about it."

***

The minute the train reached Hogswarts, Harry jumped off it and ran straight for Dumbledore's office with Britney in his hands.

When he reached the door he realized he didn't know the password.

"Shit!"

"Mr. Potter, that is NOT the password!" a stern voice said behind him.

Harry turned around guilty to see Professor McGonagall giving him a very stern look. 

"Sorry, Professor. It's just that I have to talk to Professor Dumbledore right away! It's a matter of life and death!"

Professor McGonagall raised her eyebrow and said, "Butterbeer."

"Professor Dumbledore, Mr. Potter has something important he would like to discuss with you," she said.

Dumbledore looked up from his desk where he was writing on a parchment with a quill. "Have a seat, Harry," he said kindly.

Harry took a seat on a red velvet chair.

"Now what is it you need to tell me?"

Harry told Dumbledore and McGonagall about how a Muggle girl had accidentally ran into him while he was running towards Platform Nine and Three Quarters and how she had been knocked through the wall with him. 

"Oh dear," said Dumbledore.

"But that's not the worst part."

"It's not?!" exclaimed McGonagall.

"She's a famous Muggle singer from America. She was just in London giving a concert."

"Well, where is she now?" asked Dumbledore.

Harry removed his hand to reveal the frog. "I panicked and turned her into a frog. I didn't know what to do, Professor!"

"Oh dear," Dumbledore said again. "Minerva, a word please?"

Harry watched nervously as the two professors whispered for a few minutes in the corner.

"Okay, I think we figured out a way to solve this problem," said Dumbledore coming back over to Harry.

"You have?"

"Yes, we'll turn the young girl back and-"

"I don't think you want to do that."

"Well we can't keep her as a frog, now can we Harry?" Dumbledore chuckled. "Anyway, after we turn her back we'll put a charm on her so she'll think she's supposed to be here. Of course before she goes home, we'll put a forgetfulness spell on her."

"When will she go home?" Harry asked. _Please let it be today!_

"Well, that's a toughie," Dumbledore continued. "We'll have to work on a stopping time spell. That way nobody will ever notice the girl is missing."

"I don't know if I follow," said Harry.

"What Professor Dumbledore is trying to say," Professor McGonagall cut in, "is that we will stop time in the Muggle world until the girl returns. As of right now the girl is not missing. And when she returns time will go on as normal."

(A/N: okay, I know this makes no sense, but just pretend it does, okay?)

"Anyway, this might take weeks to complete, even months," continued Dumbledore.

Harry thought he felt the blood drain out of his face. _"Months!?"_

"It's a good thing there's an extra bed in the fifth year Gryffindor girl's room," mused McGonagall. "She can stay there."

__

Poor Hermione! thought Harry.

"Okay, Harry, put the frog on the chair next to you," said Dumbledore getting out his wand.

Reluctantly Harry sat the frog next to him.

Dumbledore pointed the wand at the frog, said a few words in Latin, then POOF! There was a puff of green smoke and the frog was changed back into Britney Spears.

She blinked her eyes, looking around. "Where am I?"

Dumbledore smiled kindly at her. "You're here on a vacation, remember?"

Britney blinked a couple more times and soon recognition came over her face.

"Oh, yes! I've always wanted to visit the place where they trained magicians."

"What?" Harry started to say, but Dumbledore winked at him.

Oh. He got it. Dumbledore had put a spell on Britney to think she was at some kind of magician in training school. 

"Now what's your name, young lady?" asked McGonagall."

"Britney Jeans Spears. And you spell that B-R-I-T-N-E-Y."

"My, you have quite a foreign accent there," said Dumbledore. "Where are you from."

"Kentwood, Louisiana."

"Louisiana, eh? Well, it's great to have you here, Britney."

"Okay, Ms. Spears. Follow me," said McGonagall. "I'll show you where you'll be staying. Harry, you come with us too."

As Britney followed Professor McGonagall and Harry to the Gryffindor common room, she looked around the large castle. "Wow, ya'll. This hyar pah-layse is grahttt!"

"Slimy toads," McGonagall said when they came to the portrait of the Fat Lady.

The door swung open.

"Wow! Y'all even haf passwo'ds. How cool!"

"Everyone! Can I have your attention please?" Professor McGonagall clapped her hands and the students who were in the common room looked in her direction.

Ron, Hermione, Fred and George who were sitting together opened their mouths wide when they saw Britney Spears standing next to Harry.

"Holy shit," whispered Fred. "Harry was right along."

"Oh my God," said Hermione. "This can NOT be happening!"

"Everyone!" said Professor McGonagall. "I have somebody to introduce to you. This is Britney. She's a Muggle cousin of Harry's from Louisiana."

"WHAT??!" screamed Harry. 

Professor McGonagall gave him a Look.

"Oh my God!" Gillian Daniels cried. "That's Britney Spears!"

"Who?" said the non-Muggle born wizards.

"What's a Muggle doing here?" asked Lee Jordan.

"Oh, this hyar is so much fun bein' in a fo'eign country," said Britney. "It's like lissenin' t'a whole noo language!"

Everyone stared in horror after they heard her strong accent.

"Dear God, where is she from again?" asked Lavender Brown. 

"Louisiana," McGonagall repeated. "The United States."

"What's a Muggle doing here?" Lee asked again.

"Britney's here to spend a few weeks to see how magicians are trained." 

McGonagall raised her eyebrows at her students, as there was a chorus of "Ooohs" then she mouthed, "I'll explain later."

"In the meantime," McGonagall continued, "Hermione, why don't you take Britney up to the fifth year Gryffindor girl's room and show her a bed. That's where she'll be staying."

Harry saw a look of vexation cross over Hermione's eyes.

As she took Britney upstairs, Professor McGonagall and Harry quickly explained what had happened.

"And she's not really my cousin!" Harry quickly made sure to add.

McGonagall rolled her eyes.

"You mean she's a famous Muggle singer from America?" said Colin Creevy.

"Yeah!" said Gillian. "She is EVERYWHERE! You can't flip through a magazine without seeing her face, you can't turn on the TV without seeing her on an interview show. She just. Won't. Go. Away."

"Right now Professor Dumbledore is telling the other students about her so there won't be any shocks," said Professor McGonagall. "In the meantime, I expect you all to treat our guest nicely." She gave them all stern looks before she turned to leave.

***

"Oh my God! You guys won't believe who's here!" Gillian cried as she opened the door to the fourth year girl's room where Ginny and Kjirsten were with the other two fourth year Gryffindor girls, Mischa Owens and Collette Phoenix.

"Who?" asked Collette.

"Britney _freaking _Spears is here! Can you believe it?" Gillian burst into laughter.

The other girls looked confused.

"Who's that?" asked Kjirsten.

Gillian sighed. She kept forgetting all four of them were dense when it came to the Muggle world.

"She's a famous Muggle singer from America."

"What's a famous Muggle singer from America doing here?" asked Ginny.

Gillian explained to them what Professor McGonagall had told the other students.

"She thinks she's at a magician school?" Kjirsten giggled. "What an idiot!"

Gillian rolled her eyes. "Why do I have a feeling you two are going to get along great?"

***

"This is where you'll be staying," Hermione said in a monotone voice as she led Britney into the fifth year girl's room. "You can have that bed." She made sure to give Britney the furthest bed away from her.

"Wow, this room is graaht! You even haf four poster beds!" Britney cried. "When's dinner a-gonna be ready? Ah's starvin'!" 

Hermione looked up at the clock which had just written "_Dinner in five minutes" _in purple cursive letters. "Right now," she answered.

***

All of the fifth year Slytherin boys had gone to dinner and Mervin was alone in the room. Before he headed down to the Great Hall, he took his wand and pointed it a poster of a bikini-clad witch. It turned around revealing the other side to be a poster of Michael Bay, the evil wizard he idolized. Mervin worshipped the ground he walked on. He got down on his knees and looked up at the poster.

"Oh, Michael Bay, you are my spiritual guide. I would do anything for you. I love you so much. You are my idol. Please give me the strength I need so I can be as great and powerful as you and torture people the way you do with your awful movies."

After Mervin was done meditating to his shrine, he turned the poster back and headed down for dinner.

(A/N: this is an inside joke only a few people will get).

***

By the time dinner was ready, Professor Dumbledore had told everybody the real story about Britney Spears. Harry trusted everyone not to tell her the truth, except for the Slytherins. But he supposed it didn't matter. Dumbledore would put a forgetfulness charm on her anyway. 

The Gryffindors sat at the table with Ginny sitting as far away as Harry as she could.

"Everyone! Can I have you attention!" Professor Dumbledore clapped his hands and the chattering students quieted down. "We have a very special guest who's going to be staying with us for a few months. Will everyone please give a warm welcome to Harry Potter's Muggle cousin from Louisiana, Britney Spears."

Harry groaned. He wished people would stop calling her his cousin.

There was polite applauds as Britney stood up at the Gryffindor table and waved. "He'yall!"

There was whispering as the Muggle born wizards realized, in fact, it was really Britney Spears.

"I can't believe Britney Spears is at Hogswarts!" Mervin exclaimed to his Slytherin friends. "She's so hot!"

Draco rolled his eyes. "If you saw a five hundred pound female with a pumpkin for a head, you would call her hot too. Stop being so damn horny!"

"In honor of having Ms. Spears join us, we will be having a dinner to celebrate her sojourn here."

He waved his wand and crawfish,, corn bread, shrimp gumbo and chicken fried steak appeared on the tables. "A Cajun meal in honor of our guest from Louisiana!"

Next, Dumbledore introduced the professors. Snape was teaching potions, Sprout was teaching herbology, blah, blah, blah.

"And teaching our Defense Against the Dark Arts class will be Charlie Weasley," Dumbledore said with a big smile as Charlie came up to greet everyone.

"Yay Charlie!" Ron, George and Fred cried when they saw their brother.

Charlie grinned at them.

"Wow, Ginny! Your brother is hot!" said Gillian.

"Totally hot!" said Mischa.

Ginny rolled her eyes. She tried to stifle a laugh when she saw Ron glaring at Hermione who was also ogling over Charlie.

"We also will be having a new class," Dumbledore continued. "But don't worry, I'm sure you'll enjoy it," he quickly said as a murmur of panicked whispers began to erupt. "This is a Muggle class called physical education."

Fred and George snickered at this. "Physical education."

"It's not that kind of physical education, you buffoons," Hermione said to them. "It's a class where you have to play sports." She shuddered.

"Cool!" shouted Ron.

Harry was also happy. Even though he hated gym in Muggle school he was looking forward to this class.

"We've been getting letters complaining that we weren't keeping our wizards, er magicians in shape," said Dumbledore. "So this is why we'll be having PE. Seventh and sixth year students will be in classes together, fifth and fourth year students will be in classes together and third, second and first year students will be in classes together. And your teacher will be none other than the previous Gryffindor Quidditch captain and now playing as keeper for the Chudley Cannons, is Oliver Wood!"

Oliver Wood, looking mighty fine in all his manliness glory came out to greet everyone.

"OH MY GOD!" Gillian screamed. "I LOVE YOU, OLIVER!"

"Miss Daniels, please keep quiet!" Professor McGonagall hissed.

Oliver gave her a wink. "Right back at ya."

Gillian looked as though she were going to faint with happiness.

"I'd just like to give a big word up to all my fellow Gryffindor classmates out there," Oliver said. "And you can be sure I'll be at the Quidditch try out teams tomorrow. Gotta make sure my teams keeps the legacy!"

"Oh my God, he's soooooooo hot," sighed Britney Spears. "So much hotter than my afro wearing, boyband singing boyfriend."

"You better keep your hands off of my man, you slimy little slut!" Gillian shouted at her.

"Honestly, you two! He already has a girlfriend!" exclaimed Ginny.

They ignored her.

"You're so stupid!" said Gillian. "I can't believe you think Canada is overseas! It is not overseas!"

"Hmph!" said Britney. "I meant to say Europe when I did that interview."

Gillian rolled her eyes. "Whatever! "Oh, and by the way, it was Joan Jett who sang _I love Rock and Roll, _NOT Pat Benatar."

"Hmph!"

"That's right," said Mervin who was now walking towards their table. "It was Joan Jett and NOT Pat Benatar who originally sang _I Love Rock and Roll."_

"Nobody asked you Mervin!" Gillian screamed at him. "Get the hell out of here, you critic wannabe!"

Mervin made a fake sad face and left. "I'm going to send an owl to my Cinephile friends. 

Wanna join me, baby?" he asked Hermione.

"Eww! No! You can talk to your perverted friends by yourself!"

"We have another new teacher to introduce to you as well," Dumbledore proceeded. 

"Professor Pervin Crunk will be teaching an intimate relations class." He paused to roll his eyes as the entire hall of students broke out into laughter.

"Oh, this is just great," said Hermione sarcastically. "That pervert's dad is teaching a sex ed class. Pervertness must just run in the family!"

Stay tuned for Ch 4! The students have their first Intimate Relations class and PE class. Plus a DANCE!!! Yippee!!


	4. New Classes

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

The football scene is a lame copoff of a Friends episode because I don't know crap about football

"Monsieur Chapeau" is a ripoff of Mr. Hat from _South Park _

****

I'm Not a Muggle Not Yet a Wizard

By Sara

Chapter 4

The next day was the day of Quidditch try-outs. Hermione and Ginny had come to give Ron moral support, although he certainly didn't need it. There weren't many Gryffindors trying out for Keeper and Ron was the best anyway so he made the team. Plus it didn't hurt that two of his brothers and his best friend were on the team. 

"So have you guys decided who's going to be the new Gryffindor team captain?" asked Oliver Wood. He had kept his word and had come down to watch the try-outs. "Oh, by the way, congratulations on making the team, Ron. With three Weasleys on the team, the Gryffindor Quidditch team will surely keep the legacy!"

"Thanks," said Ron.

Harry, Fred, George, Alicia, Katie and Angelina all looked at each other. They hadn't given thought to who should be the new captain.

"I think it should be Harry," said George. "After all, the rest of us are going to graduate this year. Harry will still be here for another two years."

Oliver grinned. "I think Harry would make a fine captain."

"All those in favor of Harry being captain say aye," said Fred.

There was a chorus of six "ayes."

Harry grinned. He was the new Gryffindor Quidditch captain!

Meanwhile, Mervin Crunk was trying out for the Slytherin team. Draco, who was now the team captain, frowned at Mervin's clumsiness as he tripped over a bludger lying on the ground to get to a broom. 

Hermione and Ginny were also watching and burst out laughing when Mervin sat on the broom. But the poor broom couldn't take his immense weight and snapped in two.

Draco glared at him and pointed his wand at the broom. "Reparo!"

Mervin turned his head in the direction of the laughing. Hermione and Ginny quickly stopped themselves and looked around innocently.

***

The fifth year students were in their Intimate Relations class. A large man who looked to be 300 pounds with glasses walked in.

"Hello class. I am Professor Pervin Crunk and I will be teaching Intimate Relations this year."

"Dad! Look!" exclaimed Mervin. "I got the new issue of _Play Wizard_ with that babe from _Moat Watch_ on the cover!"

Professor Crunk chuckled. "That's my boy!"

Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Now you all are fifteen, almost sixteen years old and I'm sure you've been getting some, uh, indecent thoughts time and again."

"You know I have Dad!" Mervin once again interrupted. "Remember you told me I was a man the first time I had a naughty dream about a girl and for the special occasion you let me watch _Merlin Gets It On_ and _Temptation Castle_."

"Ewww!" shrieked Hermione. 

"Now class, I know you may be embarrassed by some of the content in this class, but please don't be. I want to introduce you to somebody." The students (except for Mervin) watched in horror as Mr. Crunk reached into his desk drawer and pulled out a puppet of a giant black hat. "Class, this is Monsieur Chapeau. Say hello to Monsieur Chapeau."

Nobody spoke.

"Say hello to Monsieur Chapeau, damnit!" 

"Hello, Monsieur Chapeau," the class chorused.

"Now Monsieur Chapeau wants everyone to know that anyone can talk to him about anything. He will not let any of you be embarrassed by any questions about sex and intimate relations you may have."

"Damn, Mervin's dad is a few peanuts short of a nuthouse," Ron whispered to Harry.

"Well, with a name like Pervin, you'd have to be," Harry whispered back.

"Ahem. Is there something you two boys would like to share with the class?" Professor Crunk glared at Ron and Harry.

"No, sir," said Ron just as Harry said, "Er, no."

"Okay. For our first lesson, we're going to do some role playing," Professor Crunk told his class. He changed his voice to a squeaky tone and moved his hand where Monsieur Chapeau sat. "That's right, Professor Crunk. Role playing is fun!"

"Dear God he really is insane," Ron whispered to Harry.

Harry nodded and replied, "And it looks like the apple doesn't fall far from the tree." He nodded in Mervin's direction."

"Okay," said Professor Crunk. "Mervin, you come up here, and Hermione you too."

Hermione groaned. "You made your dad pick me!" she hissed at Mervin who just grinned.

"Monsieur Chapeau, tell them what they're going to role play." (Squeaky voice): "Okay, Professor Crunk. Mervin and Hermione will be role playing two people on a date who will be discussing whether or not they're ready for sex."

The whole class roared with laughter. Hermione glared at Ron and Harry who immediately stopped.

"Where am I? Is this hell?" she muttered pathetically.

"Oh, this is going to be good," Draco said as he sat back in his seat in a more comfortable position.

"Okay, begin," said Professor Crunk.

Mervin took Hermione's hand and she shuddered.

"Hermione, my dear, my sweet, my one and only, I think we are ready to take our relationship to the next step."

"What do you mean?" Hermione asked with a stiff, monotone voice.

"I want to make sweet love to you all night long under the soft moonlight."

The class erupted into loud laughter and Hermione went bright red. She wished the floor would open up and swallow her.

"I don't think I'm ready for that kind of relationship," she squeaked after the class finally managed to shut up. She made a mental note to kill Ron and Harry after class.

"But my sweet darling!" Mervin cried in some weird intonation, "we have been together for so long and I am ready to make your womanly desires come true. I want to feel your hot skin pressed against mine and stroke you in inappropriate places."

Hermione looked as if she were going to be sick as Harry and Ron bit their lips to keep from laughing.

"But I am not ready for that kind of relationship, I already told you. In fact, I am in love with somebody else!"

The class gasped and giggled.

"Dad!" Mervin whined, coming back to character, "She's messing up the skit!"

"I'm sorry," said Hermione. "But I can't do this. I think I'm going to be sick. Can I be excused?"

"You'll have to ask Monsieur Chapeau."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Monsieur Chapeau, may I please be excused from class?"

"No, Hermione! Ten points from Gryffindor for s student disrupting my class!"

Hermione scowled.

When the class (finally) ended, Hermione walked out with Ron and Harry who were laughing so hard they were almost crying.

"Oh my God, that had to be the funniest thing that's ever happened in one of my classes," Harry said wiping away a tear.

"I want to feel your hot skin pressed against mine," Ron said laughing as he imitated Mervin.

"It's not funny you two!" Hermione exclaimed.

Harry blinked his eyes a couple of times. "Yes it is."

Hermione groaned. "I'm never going to live this down, am I?"

***

The fourth and fifth year students were getting ready for their first class of PE. They got to shed their robes and wear t-shirts and shorts. The best thing about the class was they got to be outside when the weather was nice. Even that didn't cheer Hermione up. She would have much more preferred to be inside readying from a textbook in a classroom. On a scale of one to ten when it came to being athletic, she was a negative 100. Her days of Muggle gym class had not been happy ones. She winced, thinking about the time when she was ten and playing dodgeball in gym class. Jason Parsons, that jerk, had hit her so hard with a volleyball and made her burst into tears. Everyone started to call her Crybaby Granger. Ugh.

"Hey, Malfoy, I think you've been spending too much time in the vampire lair." Ron laughed at Draco's especially white legs and Harry burst out laughing at his friend's comment.

Malfoy made a face at them. 'At least I don't have freckles all over my legs!"

Oliver Wood greeted the students with a smile when they came out. "Welcome to your first class of physical education. I think you'll enjoy this class."

__

Yeah right, thought Hermione.

"You can call me Oliver, no need to call me Professor Wood," he continued and everyone laughed.

Gillian made sure to stand near Oliver and kept batting her eyes. He didn't seem to notice or if he did, paid no attention.

They started out with some stretching. When they did their sit ups, they had partners so one person could hold the feet of the person doing the sit ups.

"Ugh, I can't believe we have to take a gym class," Hermione said as she held Ginny's feet as she did her sit-ups. 

"I think it will be fun," said Ginny. "Get some exercise and fresh air."

"Well, you never had to take Muggle gym."

"True. But maybe this won't be like Muggle gym."

"God I hope not." Hermione paused. "You don't think we'll have to play Quidditich, do you?" 

"Hopefully not. But with Oliver Wood as our teacher we may have to."

"Well, at least there's one good thing about this class," Hermione said looking over at Ron who was doing sit-ups as Harry held down his feet. She sighed. Ron looked so cute as he concentrated on his exercises. His eyes were serious and the tip of his tongue was barely sticking out of his mouth in deep concentration. He also didn't look half bad in his white t-shirt and black shorts.

"What's that?" asked Ginny. She followed Hermione's gaze and smirked. "Why, Hermione! I had no idea you felt that way about my brother." 

She snorted and Hermione glared at her. "You better not tell him, Ginny!"

"Okay, I promise." But behind her back Ginny had her fingers crossed.

Next to them was Gillian holding down Kjirsten's feet. She started laughing. "Look at pathetic Mervin. He can barely even do a sit-up."

"You think he would be motivated having Britney Spears as his partner," observed Hermione. "Especially with her boobs hanging out of her top!"

Ginny was shaking with laughter. "Shut up! I can't do sit-ups when I'm laughing!"

"Okay, everyone over here," said Oliver when everyone was done stretching. "See that rope? Today you're going to climb it."

Hermione groaned. She remembered rope climbing in Muggle gym class all too well. She could barely make it half way up.

"Okay, who wants to go first?"

Nobody moved.

"Okay, Ron, in honor of you making the Gryffindor Quidditch team, why don't you go first?"

Draco smirked and Ron groaned. But he made it to the top with no problem. Harry, Draco, and some other students went after him and also made it to the top. Then it was Hermione's turn. Wonderful. She would be the first one to make a fool out of herself. Hermione began climbing the rope, keeping her eye at the top. All she had to do was reach the top. It was when she was somewhere in the middle she looked down. She was awfully high up. Then she saw something that made her furious.

"Ewww! Stop looking up my shirt, you pervert!" she screamed.

Ron, who thought she was talking to him quickly jumped back and stumbled into Harry. But it was Mervin Crunk she had been screaming at. 

"I didn't see much," Mervin replied.

Hermione growled.

"Go on, Hermione," Oliver encouraged her.

Hermione did manage to make it to the top although she was no where near as quick as Ron or Harry (or Malfoy, Goddamnit). Ginny went next and though she was faster than Hermione, couldn't beat the time of her brother.

Ron gave the two of them a hard time about this when class ended.

"You know, maybe they should have two gym classes," he said. "One for the guys and one for girls."

"Screw you, Ron," said Ginny.

"You can be such a git sometimes, Ron," Hermione fumed. "Girls can do anything just as well as guys can!"

"Well, I guess climbing ropes isn't one of them."

"That wasn't fair!" exclaimed Hermione. "Everyone knows that guys have twice as much upper body strength than girls do."

"Well, don't blame me that God gave you, uh,-" he trailed off when Hermione and Ginny were glaring at him.

"Oh yeah, Ron, I'm so sure you're sorry God gave Hermione her "assets." Ginny smirked.

Hermione went red and Ron hissed, "Ginny! Shut up!"

Harry had to suppress a laugh. Ginny was right, Ron did seem to like Hermione's "assets" very much.

"Anyway," Hermione continued, "girls can be just as good at sports as guys."

"In fact," said Ginny as she stepped right up to her brother and got on her tippy toes so she was nearly his height, "why don't we play a little friendly game of..of.."

"Of what?" asked Ron.

"How about American football?" suggested Gillian.

They all looked at each other and a slow smile crept over Ginny's lips. "Yeah! American football."

"Okay, Weasley, you're on!" said Ron.

"You're going down, Weasley!" said Ginny jabbing a finger in her brother's chest.

"Oh boy," Harry whispered to Hermione. "This could get ugly."

"I'll take you on anyplace, anywhere, anytime!" said Ron.

"All right then. When should we play?"

"Tomorrow afternoon. You, me, Harry, Hermione and Gillian will play."

"What?" cried Hermione. "I'm playing? But I don't know how to play American football!"

"Well, none of us do, Herm," said Harry at an attempt to make her feel better."

"This is just great!" cried Hermione. "I'm going to die tomorrow and nobody cares."

***

The five of them met at the Quidditch field the next afternoon, Ron and Ginny looking the fiercest. 

"We're going to need another player to make the teams even," said Gillian who had brought along the football.

"Well, I can sit out," offered Hermione.

But they ignored her.

"How about Mervin Crunk?" suggested Ginny who saw the Slytherin sitting on a bench reading a magazine that was most likely _Play Wizard._

"Eww!" said Hermione. "Not that pervert!"

"Ginny, think about it," said Ron. "Mervin Crunk hates sports and he hates anything that has to do with America. Do you really think he would want to play American football?"

Gillian smiled wickedly. "How about Draco Malfoy? He's coming our way."

Ron and Harry whirled around and groaned when they saw Malfoy walking with Crabbe and Goyle on each side of him.

"Well, well, well, what do we have here?" he asked.

"Would you like to play football with us?" asked Ginny.

"Ginny!" exclaimed Ron and Harry in horror.

Draco blinked. "What's that?"

"It's a Muggle sport where people kick this ball and they tackle each other," said Gillian.

A gleam flickered over Draco's eyes. "Tackle? You mean I'll get to tackle Ginny?"

"Why you little-" Ron cried in outrage as he was about ready to attack Draco, but Hermione stopped him.

Draco laughed. "You're so easy to wile up, you know that Weasley?"

"Do you want to play or not, Draco?" asked Gillian.

Draco grinned. "Sure I'm in. This could be fun." He turned back to his two stupid friends and shooed them on their way.

"Okay," said Gillian. "How are we going to decide the captains?"

"I'll be captain!" Ron and Ginny said at the same time.

"Okay, since my name comes first in the alphabet, I get to pick first," said Ginny.

"Wait a minute, Virginia, I don't think so," said Ron.

"Too late," said Ginny. "I'm picking first. Gillian."

"Harry," said Ron.

"Draco," said Ginny without hesitating and without looking at Hermione.

"Ginny!" Hermione exclaimed. "How could you choose a Slytherin over a fellow Gryffindor? Besides, I thought it was girls against boys."

"No, it's not," Ginny replied. "It's me against Ron. Besides, if we were doing boys against girls, we wouldn't have to pick teams anyway."

Hermione sighed.

"Okay, Hermione, now I chose you," said Ron.

Hermione scowled at him as she went to join his team. "You didn't pick me, you got stuck with me!"

"Wait a minute yo' guys! Is so' playin' football? Kin ah sin' th' nashunal anthem?"

They all groaned. It was the unmistakable voice of Trampy Spears. She was wearing a sock on her arm.

"Excuse me?" said Ron.

"Eff yer playin' football, yer a-gonna need somebody t'sin the nashunal anthem."

"Go away you little tramp," Hermione heaved.

"Yes, we would not like to go deaf today, please," said Harry.

Britney stuck her nose in the air and huffed away.

"Huddle up!" called Ginny.

The two teams quickly discussed their game plans (that were, for the most part, clueless).

Ron held the ball while Harry prepared to kick off.

"Pretend the ball is Draco, pretend the ball is Draco," he muttered to himself.

But instead of kicking the ball, he accidentally kicked Ron's hand.

"Ow!" exclaimed Ron. "Son of a…ow! Come on!"

"Sorry, I'm sorry," apologized Harry. "You know what? Why don't we just throw the ball?"

He threw the ball and Gillian caught it. She ran up the field and scored a touchdown, making Ron trip as he tried to catch her.

"Score!" cried Ginny. She ran over to Ron and cried, "Losers walk!"

"Yeah!" said Ron getting up and brushing off grass. "Yeah, losers talk!"

"No, no, no, actually losers rhyme," said Draco sarcastically.

They both looked at him and barked, "Shut up!"

"Okay," Ron said to Harry when they returned to the game, "I want you to go down and out to the right on this play. Okay? Break!"

"Wait, what am I gonna do?" asked Hermione.

"Uh, you go long," said Ron.

"How long?"

"Until we're very small."

"Okay."

"Break!" shouted Ron.

This time Ron's team scored a touchdown while Hermione jumped up and down and flared her arms.

The teams huddled once more.

"Harry, I want you to run a post pattern to the left," said Ron. "And, Hermione.."

"Yeah, I know. You want me to go long. It feels like all I'm doing is funning back and fourth from the huddle."

"Well, do you just want to stay out there?" asked Ron.

Hermione frowned. She took the ball from Ron's hands and bounced it off his forehead. 

"Ow!" exclaimed Ron, rubbing his head.

"All right, let's go!" called Ginny clapping her hands. "Tied game!" She threw the ball to Draco who caught it.

He looked surprised. "Hey! I caught it!"

Ron rolled his eyes.

"Run, Draco, run!" said Ginny.

Draco scored a touchdown. "Hey, I scored." 

"That's probably the only scoring you'll ever do in your lifetime," muttered Harry as he smirked at Draco who glared back at him.

"That didn't count!" Ron called holding up the stopwatch which had beeped just as Draco touched the touchdown. "The timer went off."

"After the snap!" cried Ginny.

"Before!" shouted Ron.

"After!" said Gillian.

"Before!" said Harry.

"Now does it really matter?" asked Hermione.

"Yes!" they all snapped at her.

"Okay fine, it does count," said Ron. "If you want to win by cheating be my guest."

"No!" said Ginny. "I don't want you to be calling me a cheater. Why don't we just call this a tie game and let it be half time."

After they rested for a few minutes (with Ron and Ginny giving each other the evil eye), they were ready to play again.

"Damn, Harry's pretty good at football," said Ginny in her huddle with Draco and Gillian. We need to take him out. Gillian, you make sure Harry catches the ball, and I'll take care of the rest."

"Aw, can't I take care of it?" Draco whined.

Ginny ignored him. "Break!"

"Here you go!" Gillian said throwing the ball to Harry who caught it and started to run up field. Ginny was right on his heels and jumped on him. From the amount of her force he could tell she was still furious at him. They fell hard to the ground.

"Whoa whoa! Tackled by a girl!" she cried in delight. "Bet you didn't see that coming, did you?"

"Hey!" cried Ron running over to them. "What's with the tackling?"

"What?" said Ginny innocently. 'I just touched him and he went over! I can't help it if he's so skinny!"

Ron glared at her. "Okay, if you wanna play rough, we'll play rough."

They glared at each other with menacing eyes.

"Uh oh, I have a bad feeling about this," Harry whispered to Hermione.

"Let's get ready to ruuuuuummmmmmbbllllllleeeee!" Gillian called in her best announcer voice.

They all stared at her as though she were crazy.

She shrugged. "What? Every football movie in history uses that line."

Ginny threw the ball over Harry's head and Gillian caught it. She started to dance with excitement, but Harry tackled her. 

Ron ran upfield and stopped waiting for a pass. Ginny ran over to him and pulled his shorts down revealing bright orange boxer shorts.

Ron's face turned as red as his hair. "Ginny!"

Ginny laughed and with embarrassment Ron saw that Hermione was also covering her mouth to keep from laughing.

Ginny handed the ball to Draco who ran up field, knocking Harry over in the process and scoring a touchdown.

"Damn, I love this game!" he yelled.

"Whoo hoo! We're winning!" cried Ginny.

"It's no surprise you're winning," whined Ron. "You got to pick first so you got the better team."

"Ahem." Hermione cleared her throat.

"You're so pathetic!" Ginny said in an exasperated tone. "Why can't you just accept we're winning because we're better than you. In fact, I'll prove it to you! I'll trade you Draco for Hermione and I'll still win the game!"

"What? Boys against girls? That's ridiculous, Ginny."

"Ahem," Hermione said again.

"You got something in your throat there, Herm?" asked Ron.

"What? Are you afraid you'll lose to a bunch of girls?" asked Ginny.

"Okay, bring it on!" said Ron. "Hermione, you're with Ginny. Draco, ugh, I hate to say this, you're on our team."

"Come on Hermione," said Ginny. "Come see what it's like being on a winning team for a change."

The girls huddled together.

"We have to do this," Ginny told them. "We are playing for women everywhere. Just think about every lousy time some idiot guy insulted you. This is for all of womankind! Let's KILL THEM!"

"YEAH! KILL THEM!" shouted Hermione.

"Okay, we have a minute and a half to go and we're down by two points! Hermione, you go long and-"

"No! Don't make me go long!" said Hermione. "Use me. They never cover me."

"Herm, there's a reason," said Ginny.

"God, I'm not lame, okay?" said Hermione. "I can throw. Come on, let me throw."

"All right, Hermione," said Ginny. "I'll pitch it to you, you throw it down field to Gillian. All right? Break!"

Gillian snapped the ball to Ginny who pitched it to Hermione.

Harry, Ron and Draco ran towards Hermione who panicked and started to run. She ran towards Ginny and threw the ball at her, but it hit her in the eye.

"I'm so sorry!" cried Hermione. "Are you okay?"

"I will be."

"I'm sorry, they were all coming at me and I didn't know what to do!"

"Thirty seconds left!" Harry called.

"Come on! Hurry!" called Ginny. "We're running out of time. Huddle up!" They huddled together. "All right, Gillian get open, Hermione, go long. Break!"

Hermione went long as Gillian snapped the ball. Harry and Draco started to run towards Gillian and cover her as Ron started to rush Ginny who was holding the ball. She looked in at Gillian and out of desperation she threw the ball to Hermione. The ball seemed to fly through the air in slow motion. Everyone stopped and looked as the ball threw the air. Hermione held her arms out and caught it. She stared at it in shock for awhile then threw the ball hard on the ground. Ginny and Gillian started to scream.

"I got a touchdown!" Hermione screamed in disbelief. "We did it!"

Ginny and Gillian ran over to hug her.

Draco looked at Harry and Ron in disgust. "You two sicken me." He shook his head. "Beaten by girls!" He stormed off.

"Haha!" cried Gillian. "Girls rule and boys drool."

"Ginny, have I ever told you how annoying your friends are?" Ron said.

"Come on, Gilly-bean, let's go tell Fred and George we beat Ron and Harry at football," said Ginny.

They went running off leaving Hermione smirking at Harry and Ron.

"What?" they said together.

She just laughed and walked off.

* * *

"May I have your attention please?" Professor Dumbledore said that evening at dinner. 

"Halloween is coming up very soon and in honor of the holiday we will be having a dance."

The Great Hall erupted into cheers.

"You will be asked to dress up in costume and there will be a prize given for the best costume. I haven't decided what it will be, but it will be a good one. I will give you more details about the dance when the time gets closer."

Coming up in Chapter five: The Halloween DANCE! Who will dress up as what? What will the prize be? Who will go with whom? Also a side of Voldemort you've never seen before **::snicker:::**


	5. The Halloween Dance

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

__

I Believe In Miracles (You Sexy Thing) belongs to Hot Chocolate

__

Heaven Must Be Missing an Angel belongs to Tavares

__

She Bangs belongs to Ricky Martin

__

Come What May belongs to David Foster

I'd also like to thank everyone at the HJO boards who volunteered to be characters in my story! 

****

I'm Not a Muggle Not Yet a Wizard

By Sara

Chapter 5

Fred and George came bounding into the Gryffindor common room where Ron and Ginny were sitting at a table playing a game of Chess.

"Hello little brother, hello little sister!" said Fred. "Have you two given any thought as to what your costume will be for the Halloween dance?"

They shook their heads.

"Not yet," said Ron.

"Still thinking," said Ginny. "What about you guys?"

George grinned, "We already have ours planned out."

"Yeah, and it's gonna be great, we'll be bound to win the best costume award," said Fred.

"What are you going as?" asked Ron.

"We're not telling anyone," said George. "It's a surprise."

"You don't even know what your costume is going to be!" said Ron.

"Yes we do!" said Fred. "We just want to keep it a secret."

"Okay, so you don't know what your costume is going to be," said George, "but do you know who you'll be going to the dance with?"

"Who says we have to go with a date?" Ron questioned.

"Well, you don't," said Fred. "But it would be awfully embarrassing if a Weasley went to the dance alone. We gotta show the world we're a suave, sexy family."

"I assume you two have dates already?" said Ginny.

"You know it," said Fred. "I'm going with Angelina, of course, and George is going with Alicia Spinnet."

Ron rolled his eyes. "Honestly, Fred, why don't you and Angelina become a couple already?"

Ginny grinned. "I know who would like to go with Ron!"

"Who?" Ron's face turned red.

"Hermione! She told me she fancies you."

"Oohhhhhhhhhhh!" the twins taunted.

"Ronnie! This is great!" cried Fred. "You fancy Hermione too! Ask her to the dance!"

"Wait a minute. How do you know Hermione likes me?" Ron asked his sister.

"She told me during gym class. She was making googly eyes at you when you were doing sit-ups." Ginny giggled.

"Then it's settled!" Fred cried as he slapped Ron on the back. "Ronnie will ask Hermione to the dance. Now we need to find a suave guy for Ginny."

"Wait a minute!" cried Ron. "I just can't ask her to the dance. What if she says no?"

Ginny rolled her eyes. "Don't be such a git, Ron! She won't say no. She likes you! What part of that don't you understand?"

"You can do it, Ronnie!" said Fred. "We have faith in you."

"Okay, I'll do it," said Ron. But he looked as though he were going to be sick.

"Ginny, why don't you ask Harry, your luv-ah?" suggested Fred.

"No!" said Ginny.

"Ah, c'mon, Gin. You know he likes you," said George. "Remember when he was staring at you at dinner when he was over for the summer?"

"Harry was staring at you!?" Ron cried with rage. "Why, I'll kick his ass!"

"Go ahead, be my guest," Ginny said leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms.

"Now Gin, don't tell us you're still mad at Harry!" exclaimed George.

"Hmph."

"Well, if you're not going to go to the dance with Harry, then who will you go with?" asked Fred.

Ginny paused a moment then said, "I was thinking of maybe asking Draco Malfoy."

Her brothers gasped in horror.

"You will not!" cried George.

"Over my dead body!" exclaimed Ron.

"How dare you even think of such a vile idea!" roared Fred.

Ginny scowled at her brothers. "Excuse me, but the last time I checked, it was my life!"

"You can't ask that filthy, slimy, good-for-nothing, imbecile Slytherin to the dance!" Ron cried furiously. "I've seen the way he looks at you and he only has one thing on his mind."

"You only have one thing on your mind when you look at Hermione," Ginny replied.

"That's not-" Ron sputtered. "I don't-. We're not talking about me!"

"What's the big deal anyway?" Ginny questioned. "We're going to be in a public place with lots of people around"

"Yes, but what if he takes you somewhere private and asks you if you want to…" Ron hesitated. "Asks you if you want some pumpkin pasties?"

"Well, what if I want some pumpkin pasties?" Ginny asked indignantly.

"Ginny! You are only fourteen years old!" cried Ron. "You are not ready for pumpkin pasties!"

"I'll be fifteen in another few months, and it's my life. I can very damn well please have pumpkin pasties whenever I want!"

"Uh, why do I have a feeling you guys really aren't talking about pumpkin pasties?" said Fred.

"Ginny, please tell me you've never had pumpkin pasties before!" pleaded Ron.

"Of course not!" snapped Ginny. "But when I'm ready for sex it will be my decision, not yours!"

"Ginny!" Ron cried out angrily. "It's pumpkin pasties!"

"Oh, so that's what you two were talking about," Fred said with a knowing smile. He frowned. "Ginny!"

"Don't worry, I won't do anything stupid."

"It's not you we don't trust," said Ron. "It's Malfoy." He said his name as though he had just swallowed a large glass of bile.

"Well I am going to ask Draco to the dance and there's nothing you can do to stop me!"

***

Harry and Hermione were eating lunch when Mervin Crunk interrupted them.

"My mind is tired because you've been running through it all day!" he said as he sat down next to Hermione and she buried her face in her hands.

"What do you want, Mervin?"

"Well, I was just wondering if you had a date for the Halloween Dance yet?"

Harry started to laugh and Hermione jabbed a sharp elbow into his ribs.

She turned to Mervin and smiled sweetly. "Listen Mervin, I wouldn't go to the dance with you if you were the last guy on earth. In fact, if we were the last two people on earth and you had the last scrap of food, I'd rather die than take it from you."

Mervin looked confused. "So…do you have a date for the dance or not?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "No, I don't have a date. And no, I do not want to go with you!"

Why not?" asked Mervin. "I'm a cool guy. I'm good looking. I've been told I look like Brad Pitt, you know."

Hermione started to laugh. "I hate to burst your bubble, Mervin. But you do NOT look like Brad Pitt!"

"Sure, I may not look like him now, but once you rip off all my clothes, I get the same body as him!"

"Eww!" Hermione shrieked. "Please, don't make me sick while I'm eating! I don't want to think of you without clothes on!" She shuddered.

"Well, baby, if you change your mind, you know where to find me." He gave her a wink and walked off.

"Ugh. Why does that pervy creep always have to hit on me?"

"He hits on all the girls," said Harry.

"Maybe so, but he hits on me the most!"

"It's because he likes you the most. You should feel honored!"

"Please. I feel far from honored."

"So if you're not going to the dance with Mervin, who do you plan on going with?"

"Well," Hermione lowered her voice and leaned closer to Harry. "There is somebody I have my eye on. I'm kind of hoping he asks me."

"You mean Ron?"

"How did you know? Did one of his siblings tell you?"

Harry laughed and shook his head. "No, nobody told me. It's just something I knew all along."

"Oh." Hermione blushed. "That obvious, huh?"

Harry nodded. "Why don't you ask Ron? I'm sure he would love to go to the dance with you."

"Well if you're so sure he would love to go with me, then won't he just ask me?"

"You know how Ron is around asking girls out. He gets shy."

"But it's just me!" said Hermione in an exasperated voice.

Harry smiled at her. "Then you shouldn't have a problem asking him."

***

"Hey, Hermione, wait up," Ron said the next day after their Charms class was let out.

Hermione stopped and turned around. "Oh, hi, Ron." She smiled at him.

__

I never knew she had such a beautiful smile, Ron thought.

"Listen, I need to ask you something."

"Oh, there's something I need to ask you too, Ron."

They walked over to a less crowded corridor. Hermione noticed that Ron looked especially nervous.

"So, what's up?" she asked.

Ron started to turn red and seemed to have trouble breathing.

"Ron, are you okay?"

Ron suddenly blurted out his question in one breath. "HermionewillyougototheHalloweendancewithme?"

"What?"

Ron took another deep breath and spoke slowly this time. "Hermione, will you go to the Halloween dance with me?"

A look of surprise swept over Hermione's face and she started laughing. Ron looked hurt.

"Oh, no, Ron! It's not that!" Hermione quickly said. "It's just that I was going to ask you that exact same question!"

Ron looked astonished. "You were?"

Hermione smiled shyly. "Well….yeah."

Ron heaved a great sigh of relief. "Wow, I feel so much better."

"Do you know what your costume is going to be?"

Ron shook his head. "No idea."

"I think I may have a great idea for you. C'mon, let's go discuss what our costumes can be."

***

Ginny saw Draco in the library and was debating whether or not she should ask him to the dance. On the one hand, he had been showing some interest in her lately, but on the other hand, she was a Weasley and everyone knew how much Draco Malfoy despised Weasleys. Before she could think of anything else, she walked up to him.

"Uh, Draco," she said in a small voice.

The tall blond Slytherin turned around and smirked at her. "Yes?"

"Uh…" _This was such a stupid idea. What was I thinking_? "Listen, never mind. It was nothing."

Draco looked confused. "No, what? What is it?"

"Forget it. Just forget it."

Draco looked irritated. "Would you just tell me what you were going to say?"

Ginny sighed. "Okay, fine. But please don't mock me. I was going to ask you if you wanted to go to the Halloween dance with me."

She held her head down in shame, expecting Draco to start laughing at her.

"It looks like this is your lucky day," Draco sniffed in his egotistical voice. "I haven't asked anyone to the dance yet and you're the first girl to ask me, believe it or not. And I would love to go with you as long as you wear a very nice costume." He winked at her and walked off.

***

MEANWHILE IN VOLDEMORT'S HUMBLE ABODE…..

"Voldie, why don't you come to bed?" a sly, sexy voice whispered.

Voldemort whirled around and sighed heavily at the sight he saw. His lover, Michael Bay, was lying on the red silk sheets of their bed wearing nothing but a pair of heart print boxer shorts. He patted the bed seductively. "Come on, Voldie. Get your white ass into bed and let's get it on!"

Voldemort sighed heavily again. "Is sex the only thing you think about, Michael?"

"What's with you, Voldie? We haven't done the nasty in a few days!"

"Michael, sometimes I think you're thinking about someone else when we're making love."

"Voldie, your ass is as whiter than a blizzard and you barely have a face. Who else am I gonna think you are? Michael Jackson? Although you two do seem to look like twins…"

(A/N: okay, is this looking familiar to anyone? *g*)

"I just wish our relationship could be based more than just sex, Michael."

Michael looked confused. "What do you mean? I thought you liked it when I hump you."

"I do, Michael! I like it very much!" Voldemort's cheeks turned red. "It's just that, I want to show my love in more than one way for you. In fact, I wrote a song for you."

"You wrote a song for me?" Michael looked genuinely touched. 

"Yes, would you like to hear it?"

"Well, of course!"

"Okay, here goes." Voldemort cleared his throat and started to sing:

__

"Never knew I could feel like this. Like I never seen the sky before. Want to vanish inside your kiss. Everyday I love you more and more. Listen to my heart, can you hear it sing? Telling me to give you everything. Seasons may change, winter to spring, but I love you until the end of time." Voldemort began to twirl as he broke out into the chorus:

__

"Come what may! Come what may! I will love you until my dying day."

"Oh, Voldie!" Michael gasped as he sat up in bed. "That was beautiful!" He raised his arms and started to sing himself. _"Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place. Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace."_

They both ran to embrace each other and sang: _"Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste."_

"It all revolves around you!" Michael sang in his beautiful voice.

They were both now holding hands, twirling around as they sang: _"And there's no mountain to high! No river too wide! Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side! Storm clouds may gather and stars may collide."_

"But I love you," whispered Voldemort.

__

"I love you," Michael whispered back.

Voldemort produced a cluster of dead flowers and presented them to his lover. "_Until the end."_

Michael accepted the flowers and brought them to his face, sniffing the aroma. _"Until the end of time."_

They sang the chorus again as they held hands, whirling around in gay merriment.

__

I will love you," sang Michael_. "Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place."_

Suddenly a choir of red-eyed demon children came out and started to harmonize with the two lovers. _"COME WHAT MAYYYYYYY. (AHHHHH-AHHHHHH) COME WHAT MAYYYYY. (AHHHHH-HHHHHHH). I WILL LOVE YOU UNTIL MY DYYYYYYYYYYYINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG DAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"_

***

Before the night of the dance, the fourth year Gryffindor girls had come over to the fifth year girl's dorm room so they could all get ready together. It looked like a tornado had swept through the room in a hurry. Clothes, make up, hair accessories, brushes, combs, curling wands, mirrors and other materials were strewn all over the room.

"Oh, yo' guys, ah's so excited!" Britney drawled in her accent. "Ah jest love parties, esp'lly ones what yo' git t'wear costooms!"

"Yeah, I bet so you can look like a slut," muttered Hermione.

"Um, what is your costume, Britney?" Lavender Brown asked her.

"Ah ain't decided yit! Kin yo' gals hep me?"

A sinister smile lurked across Gillian's face. "Why, of course we'll help you, Britney! In fact! I have the perfect costume for you!"

Britney clapped her hands in delight. "Yo' do?"

"You can go as the beautiful Princess Medusa!"

"Medusa isn't a-" Kjirsten started to say but Gillian interrupted her. "I can charm your hair to look like hers."

Britney clapped her hands again. "Okay!"

"Uh oh, this won't be good," Hermione whispered to Ginny as the girls watched Gillian raise her wand and waved it over Britney's head, muttering a few words. Almost instantly, Britney's hair seemed to transfer into small green and brown snakes.

Britney screamed. "Mah hyar! Whut in tarnation did yo' does to mah hyar? Ah have snakes in mah hyar!"

The other girls were stifling giggles as Britney continued to scream.

"Oh, didn't I tell you?" Gillian said innocently. "Medusa has snakes for hair."

"Turn it back! Turn it back!" she screamed.

"Okay, fine. You're no fun." She waved her wand over Britney's head once more and the snakes became her nappy fake blonde hair once again. 

"Ah's hankerin' t'wears an erotic costoom," said Britney. "Ah's a-gonna th' dance wif Mervin Crunk an' ah's hankerin' t'look mah bess fo' him, dawgone it!" She sighed deeply. "He's so sexy!" 

The other girls looked at each other and shrieked. "Eww!"

In the end, Britney decided to dress up as her idol, Pamela Anderson from _Baywatch._ She wore a red swimsuit and carried a life floaty device. Gillian actually had to charm her boobs to be even bigger. 

"I still can't believe you asked Draco Malfoy to the dance," Hermione said to Ginny as they changed into their costumes. 

Ginny shrugged. "Well, he's a good dancer and if his costume consists of tight pants, then we all know he'll look good." She giggled.

"Yes, but he's Malfoy!" said Hermione. "He's so mean to your brother and Harry."

Ginny shrugged. "That's Malfoy for you."

"Hey, Hermione, what are you suppose to be?" Parvati Patil asked.

Hermione was wearing vinyl red pants and an off-the-shoulder black shirt. She had feathered her brown hair.

"I'm one of Charlie's Angels!" Hermione replied.

"Which one?" asked Gillian.

"Um…the one that Cameron Diaz will play in the 2000 movie."

"Ohhhh." They all nodded knowingly.

"Well, if Draco tried anything naughty with you, Ginny, Hermione can kick his ass!" Gillian laughed.

"Looks like you could kick his ass too, Gillian," said Collette. "Who are you suppose to be?"

Gillian was wearing black leather pants, a black tantop, and dark sunglasses. Her dark hair was braided in a long braid.

"I'm Lara Croft, tomb raider," she said in her best British accent, which was pretty pathetic.

"And who are you suppose to be Ginny?" asked Mischa. 

Ginny was wearing a black leather suit with a facemask that had two pointy ears on top. A black tail was attached to her costume. 

"Why, I'm Catwoman, of course!"

"We all look great!" said Hermione. "In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if one of us was the winner of the best costume award."

***

Meanwhile, while the girls were getting ready, Harry and Ron were putting on their costumes. Well, actually just Ron was.

"Harry, aren't you going to put on your costume?"

"This is my costume, Ron!"

Ron looked at him. "But you're just wearing your regular clothes!"

"I know. I'm going as myself."

"Oh, Harry." Ron shook his head in disgust. "I would except something like this from Malfoy, but not you!"

"Well, I didn't know what else to dress up as. And I am famous and I wouldn't be surprised if they made a movie about me in another few years! Besides, who better to go as Harry Potter…than me?"

Ron rolled his eyes.

"Well, who are you suppose to be?"

Ron grinned. He was wearing dark khaki pants, a white t-shirt, a leather jacket, a hat and carried a whip. "I'm Indiana Jones! Hermione helped me think of it! Check this out." He cleared his throat and said in his best American-archeologist-hero voice, "Spiders! I HATE spiders!"

"You sure are in a good mood."

"Well, why wouldn't I be? I'm going to the dance with Hermione! Say, did you get a date yet?"

"Yep, I asked Lily Smileyous, you know that sixth year Gryffindor."

"Well, I hope she can guess who you are," Ron said laughing.

"Ha, ha, ha," Harry said sarcastically.

"Well, let's head down," said Ron. "I'm sure our dates are waiting for us."

***

"Hey, baby, you're looking mighty FYNE tonight."

Hermione, who was getting herself a glass of punch, rolled her eyes. She didn't even have to turn around. She knew who it was. "Get lost, Mervin."

"I wanted to ask if you would like to bump and grind with me."

Hermione turned around and started to laugh at what she saw. Mervin was wearing VERY tight jeans..so tight, his fat was bulging out. He also was wearing a cowboy hat and a white tank top. Of course it was too small and his gut was sticking out.

"Mervin, who or WHAT are you suppose to be?"

"Can't you tell, baby?"

"No."

"I'm Brad Pitt, of course! From _Thelma and Louise_! I could practically be his twin!"

Hermione was still laughing. "Yeah, right. In you dreams!"

"Oh mah God! Mervin! Yo' look so sexy!" Britney came rushing over to him. "Yo' look jest like Brad Pitt!"

"Well, if you want to dance with me, you know where to find me." Mervin gave Hermione a wink and walked away with Britney, his hand on her butt. 

"Ugh, gag me with a spoon," Hermione muttered. Mervin was such a LOSER! 

"Hey, Hermione."

This time it was Harry. He was with his date, Lily who was wearing a very elaborate festive costume. 

"Hi, Harry, hi Lily," said Hermione. "I like your costume, Lilly."

"Thanks. Likewise."

Hermione frowned at Harry. "Who are you suppose to be?"

"Can't you tell?"

"No. You just look like…yourself."

"That's who I am!"

"You went as yourself?" Hermione shook her head. "Oh, Harry. That's just so….sad."

"What? What's wrong with that." He looked out at the dance floor where people were starting to dance. "Hey, look at Skyler Windsor," he said pointing to a Gryffindor girl. "She's wearing a Harry Potter costume!"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "That's different! She isn't you! Hey, where's Ron?"

"Oh, he'll be down in a minute," Harry answered. "He's adjusting some last minute things on his costume." He grinned at her. "He's really nervous about this date."

Hermione blushed. "Oh, here he comes. Oh! He looks so cute in his costume!" She sighed contently.

Ron came into the Great Hall, his heart pounding. He was on his first date with Hermione, the Woman of his Dreams! The Great Hall was decorated for Halloween. Black and Orange streamers hung from the rafters and jack-o-latterns of all sizes were floating in the air, each with different facial carvings. Students and teachers were either dancing or eating to talking or laughing. There were lots of great costumes. He saw Connie a girl from Slytherin dressed up as Professor Snape, a Korean girl from Gryffindor named Emma who was good friend with Hermione had on a gypsy costume, another girl he knew from Gryffindor named Abbie was wearing an angel costume. Then that's when he saw her.

Hermione.

She was walking towards him as if in slow motion. At that moment it seemed as the lights had dimmed and only a purple spotlight was on Hermione as she slowly and seductively walked up to Ron. Her hair was flying behind her. His heart began to beat even faster and his mouth went dry. She suddenly stopped in front of him and flashed him her most brilliant smile.

"Hello, Ron," she said in a seductive voice.

Ron's jaw was dropped open so wide, he was sure his tongue would roll out. 

"Heaven must be missing an angel, missing one angel, child, cuz you're here with me right now."

Hermione smiled at him and held out her hand. "I've been excepting you. Let's dance!"

Ron was led by Hermione out onto the dance floor and music began to blare. It was as if they were the only ones dancing. 

__

Your kiss Filled with tenderness.

I want all I can get of your sexiness.

Showers! Your love comes in showers.

And every hour of the hour, you let me feel your loving power.

Ron and Hermione had one hand on their hips and were waving their other hands in the air as they boogied on the dance floor. At the very end of the song, Ron dipped Hermione back. Everyone applauded. Ron blushed. He didn't realize they had an audience!

***

Angelina and Alicia laughed when they saw Fred and George. 

They were wearing blonde wigs and looked as though they had borrowed clothes from Britney Spears.

"And who are you two to be?" asked Angelina who was dressed as one of the Josie and the Pussycat members. Alicia was dressed as a Snow White.

George grinned at them. "Can't you tell?"

"Well, it looks to us like you're two guys dressed in drag," said Alicia. 

"We're Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen!" said Fred with glee.

The two girls looked at each other. "Who?"

George shrugged. "They're famous Muggle twins. We saw a picture of them in _TEEN WIZARDS."_

Angelina started laughing. "No offense, but you two make REALLY ugly girls!"

***

"Me-ow!"

Ginny turned around to see Draco smirking at her. She had no idea what he was supposed to be, but he was wearing leather pants, so it was all good. Draco was also looking at Ginny's costume approvingly. 

"Virginia Weasley, what ARE you wearing?"

Ginny sighed in exasperation as she saw Ron coming their way. 

Hermione was behind him and she gave Ginny a sympathetic smile.

Ginny put her hands on her hips. "Sod off Ron!"

"Ginny, just what the hell do you think you're wearing."

"What are you talking about? It's not like I'm showing any skin!"

"Maybe not, but that leather suit you have on is awfully tight!"

"So? Hermione has on tight pants and shirt and she's showing lots more skin than I am!"

"That's different!" Ron said. "She's not my sister!"

Ginny rolled her eyes.

"Who are you suppose to be anyway?"

"I'm Catwoman!"

"Yes she is indeed," said Draco. "Meow!"

"You shut up, you slimy little prat!" Ron was yelling in his face.

"Ron…" Hermione put her hand on Ron's shoulder. "Ron, let them be."

"I'll be watching you!" Ron hissed to Draco, then was led off by Hermione who was shaking her head.

"Er, sorry about my brother," said Ginny.

"Don't worry, I'm used to it," Draco replied. "Now what do you say we go dance?"

Harry was dancing with his date who was a lovely girl, but he couldn't help feeling irritated when he saw Ginny and Draco dancing together.

__

Damn that Draco Malfoy! he thought. _Damn him to hell! He makes my life a living hell! Well, he'll pay for this. Oh yes, he will pay. _

(A/N: Could Harry BE channeling Eve Russell any more?)

Ron and Hermione had been dancing for quite a few minutes when they decided to take a break. Ron managed to still have a good time, even though he kept an eye on his sister and Malfoy. Ron went to get them some pumpkin juice and Hermione chatted with Lavender as she nibbled on a cauldron cake.

__

I believe in miracles! Where you from? You sexy thing!

I believe in miracles! Since you came along, you sexy thing!

Mervin Crunk was waving his arms in the air, his fat gut jiggling as he came dancing towards Hermione singing along with the song.

"Oh, God, please no." Hermione buried her face in her hands.

Lavender stifled a giggle, gave Hermione a sympathetic pat on the shoulder and went to dance with her date, Seamus.

"Hey, you sexy thing," Mervin said as he grabbed about five cauldron cakes and stuffed them in his mouth all at once. "Ready to dance now?" Food sprayed from his mouth and Hermione put her hands in front of her head. 

"Mervin, I already told you! I don't want to dance with you now and I don't want to dance with you later!"

Mervin just grinned like an idiot at her. "That's what you say now, but just you wait. You'll want to dance with me before this night is over!"

"You guys, check out McGonagall!" Fred giggled as he pointed to their house's headmaster.

Professor McGonagall was dressed like a gypsy witch wearing lots of clanky jelwery and a long flowing dress. It looked like she had already had too much butterbeer because she was dancing, REALLY dancing with Professor Dumbledore who was dressed up like Gandalf from the _Lord of the Rings_ books. 

__

She talks like she walks and she walks like she talks!

She bangs! She bangs! She moves! She moves!

She looks like a flower and stings like a bee

Like every girl in history!

"Wow, McGonagall really knows how to get down!" George said in amazement.

"I don't think I really want to picture Professor McGonagall getting down!" said Angelina.

***

Mervin Crunk stood in the corner, checking out Hermione as she swung her beautifully shaped behind from side to side. She looked mighty FYNE. As Mervin was taken by her curvaceous body, he slowly approached her in a trance-like state, as if it were hypnotic. He walked closer and closer, hands stretched out towards her…

Just then Hermione let out a loud scream. "Ewwwww! Mervin, get away from me or Ron will kick your ass."

**__**

**SLAP SLAP**

"Screw you, Mervin! You ain't getting none of this hot bod! I belong to Ron!"

***

Snape was one of the chaperones at the party. He had no idea why he'd agreed to come to this silly party. So far he had managed to stay in a corner, munching on snacks and drinking butterbeer and keeping an eye on the students. He groaned and rolled his eyes when he saw Professor Pervin Crunk coming his way. 

"Great party, eh Snape?" Crunk took a handful of Bernie Botts jellybeans and shoved them in his mouth. Snape could smell a great deal of butterbeer on his breath. "So what are you suppose to be?" Crunk asked, food spraying everywhere from his mouth. "A gay vampire?"

Snape stared icily at him. "No. I didn't have time to find a costume for this silly party. What kind of ridiculous get up are you wearing?"

Crunk was wearing a white shirt and black suspenders and white gloves. His face was painted white and he had on bright red lipstick.

"I'll give you a hint," he said, then started to move his hands and imitate as if he were trapped in a box.

Snape rolled his eyes. "Of course. How could I have missed it? You're a mime."

"Hand me a glass of butterbeer, will ya?"

"Don't you think you've already had enough to drink?"

"Are you kidding me? I weight 300 pounds! It's gonna take a lot of drinks before I get drunk!"

***

Ron and Hermione finally took a break from dancing and went over to chat with Harry. They were holding hands and smiling at each other.

"Who do you guys think will win the best costume award?" Hermione asked.

"Well, we all know it sure as hell won't be Harry!" Ron said.

"And it won't be Mervin Crunk either. He thinks he looks like Brad Pitt!" Hermione rolled her eyes. "Please!"

"Looks like Britney Spears thinks he does," Ron said grinning at the two who were snogging.

"Eww!" cried Hermione. "I think I'm going to be sick."

Ron suddenly frowned.

"What's wrong?" Harry asked.

"Where's Ginny? I don't see her. Or Draco."

"Maybe she went to the bathroom," said Hermione.

"Both of them?" Ron asked uncertainly. "Harry, you didn't see them go somewhere, did you?"

Harry shook his head. "Last time I saw them, they were dancing."

"Oh crap…if that creep lays a hand on my sister…I gotta go find them."

Uh oh! Where did Ginny and Draco go? Find out in chapter six. Also coming up….Pervin gets drunk and hits on Snape, Mervin's still trying to get Hermione to dance with him, the best costume award is given and Voldemort makes another appearance. 


	6. The Prank on Britney

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

****

I'm Not a Muggle Not Yet a Wizard

By Sara

Chapter six

Snape was getting irritated with Crunk. He kept drinking glass of butterbeer after glass of butterbeer and was babbling incoherently about something.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Snape snapped as Crunk started to run his hand up and down Snape's arm. He slapped his hand away, but Crunk didn't seem to be fazed.

"Has anyone ever told you how sexy you look under this soft light?"

Snape stared at him. "Excuse me?"

Crunk leaned in and whispered in his ear, butterbeer heavy on his breath, "I want you now. I want to make love to you right now."

Snape pushed him off. "You're drunk off your ass! Get a hold of yourself!" He quickly swung his cape around and stormed off.

***

Ginny followed Draco down the dark corridors of the musty dungeon as he led her by the hand. She had had a little too much butterbeer and was giggling uncontrollably.

"Where are we going, Drackie?" She burst out laughing as if that were the funniest thing.

Draco winced. He hated that stupid childish nickname. "Let's stop here," he said, leaned Ginny against the stone wall.

"You're probably wondering what a place like me is doing in a girl like this – oh, hell, what am I saying?" She flung her arms around him. "Kiss me!"

Draco started to lean in, but Ginny stopped him. "Let me take off my mask." Ginny pulled off her mask and let her hair fall down in ringlets. She then leaned in and kissed him.

"You know," said Draco. "You're not a half bad kisser. I should offer your brothers one million galleons for you to spend one night with me."

"Oh no," Ginny laughed. "You're not getting anything from me. I'm priceless!" And with that she leaned in to kiss him again.

***

Harry was walking down the dungeon corridors. Ron had told him to come down here to see if he could find Ginny or Malfoy. Ron had gone up to check the Astronomy Tower because that was a famous snogging place. Hermione stayed at the dance in case Ginny came back. 

Harry could hear some giggling in the distance and walked faster. He was just about to round the corner when the noise became louder. He heard snogging noises! He quietly peered around the corner and could see two people snogging. A fiery redhead and a silvery blonde. Ginny and Malfoy. The site of them kissing made him sick. He was about to go over and confront them when Ginny pulled away from Malfoy. Obviously kissing Malfoy made her sick as well because she did not look at all good. Her face was all pale and washed out.

"Ohhh," she said in a moaning voice, "I don't' feel so good."

Draco quickly turned Ginny around (he didn't want her puking on his silk Armani shirt after all!) and she threw up on the floor.

"Oh dear, we had a little too much butterbeer, didn't we?" Draco said as he pointed his wand at the mess to clean it up.

Ginny slid down the wall and passed out on the floor. Draco stared at her for a moment, unsure of what to do. He was about to bend over and pick her up when he heard footsteps behind him.

"Potter!" he cried whirling around. "What are you doing here?"

"I think I should be the one asking you that same question," Harry replied icily, his eyes locked pointedly at Ginny. "That's really mature, Malfoy. Getting a young girl drunk so you can take advantage of her."

"She drank all those butterbeers on her own free will!" Draco snapped. "And I wasn't going to take advantage of her."

Harry gave him a I-don't-believe-you look. "Get out of here Malfoy!" he snapped.

Draco scowled at him and walked away. Harry picked up Ginny's light frame and took her to the hospital wing.

"She had a little too much to drink at the party," he told Madame Pomfey.

"Oh dear," the nurse clucked. "Thanks for bringing her here."

***

"Did you find her?" Ron asked anxiously when Harry returned to the Great Hall.

"Yeah, Malfoy got her drunk so I took her to the hospital wing." Harry told him everything, leaving out the part of the kiss. Ron was already steamed as it was.

"I'll kill that bastard!"

"Can I have your attention please?" They turned around to see Dumbledore speaking. "It is now time to announce the winner of the best costume award and what their prize will be."

The Great Hall hushed, as everyone eagerly awaited to see whom the winner would be. Fred and George grinned at each other. Dumbledore held up an envelope. 

"And the winner of the best costume award is-" he opened the envelope and took out a piece of paper, "Ron Weasley for his Indiana Jones costume."

Everyone applauded.

"All right Ronnie!" George called out.

"Your prize is a free dinner for four at the Three Broomsticks in Hogsmeades next weekend," Dumbledore said as Ron walked up to accept the gift certificate. "Congratulations." 

***

"You know, Ron, I've had a really great time tonight," Hermione told her date right before they were ready to head into the Gryffindor Common Room. "I never knew you were such a great dancer."

"Great dancer?" Ron laughed. "You're much too nice, Hermione. I have two left feet!"

Hermione smiled. "Well, you didn't step on my feet once, so that makes you a good dancer in my book." She looked up at Ron who had his arms wrapped around her. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Like what?" He started to lean in closer.

"Like you're about to ki-" And at that moment Ron kissed Hermione.

(Everyone on three now: one, two, three: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW)

It was the most passionate and tender kiss and it made Hermione melt in his arms. 

***

Everyone had had such a great time at the party that they weren't ready to go back to class the following Monday. Hermione was sitting between Harry and Ron in Professor Binn's class. She was the only one in the class who was paying attention and taking notes. To the right of her, Harry had his arms folded on the desk and his head buried in them. His glasses sat near the top of the desk. To the left of her Ron had his head on the desk and was facing her. There was a string of drool coming out of his mouth.

__

Oh, that's attractive, she thought. On second thought, it kinda was.

She noticed that Pavati and Lavender were exchanging notes with each other and Neville was staring out the window and Dean and Seamus were also asleep. Hermione shook her head. Didn't they care about their studies? 

Professor Binns kept droning on about something and Hermione took notes even though she was getting a tad bored and soon founder herself daydreaming about the kiss she and Ron had shared the night before.

***

Instead of Professor Crunk, the fifth year students saw Professor Snape in their Intimate Relations class. He did not look happy. 

  
"Professor Dumbledore asked me to substitute this class since your regular teacher got pissed drunk from the Halloween party and still has a hangover." 

  
"This should be interesting," Ron whispered to Harry. "Snape teaching us sex ed? Has Snape even had sex?" 

  
Harry had to clamp a hand over his mouth to keep from laughing out loud, but Snape had already heard them. 

  
"Ten points from Gryffindor for talking in class!" he barked. He looked down at the notes. "It looks like you've been doing some role playing. Potter, Malfoy, get down here." 

  
Harry and Draco slowly approached the front of the classroom. 

  
"Okay, let's have you two role play friends who are discussing contraceptives. Draco, you're going to show Harry how to use a condom." Snape's mouth twisted into a smirk. 

  
The two boys stared at Snape in horror. 

  
"You want us to pretend we're friends!" Harry stuttered. "Furthermore, you want us to pretend we're friends talking about sex?" 

  
Draco looked absolutely horrified. "But I don't know how to put on a condom. What is that anyway?" 

  
"Didn't you read chapter seven?" an exasperated Hermione asked. "They talk about all the different contraceptives." 

  
"What the hell is a contraceptive?" Draco demanded. 

"It's what the Muggles use to have safe sex," said Harry.

"Okay, you can switch roles," Snape said. "Potter, you tell Malfoy how to put on a condom."

Harry wanted to tell him he'd rather jump into a pool of lava naked, but he didn't want to cause Gryffindor to lose any more points.

"Begin," said Snape.

Harry and Draco glared at each other.

"Hey pal, can you show me how to use a condom since you're so experienced," Draco said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Gee, pal," Harry replied just as sardonically, "you're not planning on sleeping around with a girl, are you?"

Draco glared at him. "I just want you to tell me how use a condom."

"If I were you, I'd keep my slimy hands off of Gi- off of other girls"

"What kind of game are you playing, Potter?" Draco hissed in a low voice so only Harry could hear him. 

"You two are getting off the subject!" Snape snapped.

Britney raised her hand. "Professo' Snape, ah c'd larn Harry an' Draco how t'use a corndom, dawgone it. I've had lotsa prackice wif mah fella Jestin, as enny fool kin plainly see."

Snape just stared at her. "What the hell did you say?"

The whole class sniggered.

The bell rang and Snape looked relieved.

"Saved by the bell, huh Harry?" Ron said as the Trio left the class.

"I used to love that show!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Huh?" said Ron. "What show?"

"So Ron, do you know who you'll be inviting to the Three Broomsticks?" Harry asked.

"Well you and Hermione, of course," said Ron as he kissed his girlfriend on the top of her head. "That still leaves room for one more. Is there anyone you'd like to invite, Harry? Still got your eye on that Ravenclaw Seeker?"

"Uh.." The truth was he had gotten over his crush on Cho Chang and now he had his eye on someone else. He couldn't tell Ron this, especially since that someone else was his sister.

"Well, I'll think of somebody to invite before the weekend," said Ron.

***

"Oh Voldie." The Dark Lord rolled his eyes when he his lover say his in a singsong voice.

"Voldie, what are we going to do tonight?"

"The same thing we do every night, Michael. Try to take over the world!"

"After we have sex, of course."

"Of course. So Michael, do you know what movie you'll be making next to torture the Muggle population?"

Michael grinned evilly. "As a matter of fact, I do. I'm thinking of making a real sap fest. It's going to be a love triangle between two men and a woman. She's going to fall in love with one of the fellow. But then he's going to die and the other fellow will fall for her."

"It sounds puke inducing all ready," said Voldemort. "Tell me, how does the young man die?"

"Well, everyone THINKS he's dead, but he's not. And by the time the girl finds out, she's pregnant with his best friend's baby."

"That sounds like one of those cheesy Muggle TV shows, a soap opera," Voldemort said gleefully. 

"But that's not the best part."

"It's not?"

"It's going to be set during the events of Pearl Harbor and will filled with so much sappy American patriotism, that even the leader of the Free World will hate it."

Voldemort laughed evilly. "And you're going to find actors to be in this piece of garbage?"

"They'll be sucky actors," sneered Michael. "I think I'll offer the lead to Ben Affleck. He's my bitch, you know."

Voldemort looked hurt. "I thought I was your bitch!"

"Of course you are, Voldie! But Ben is my bitch when I'm making movies. I already have him cast in my next movie, _Armaggedon. _You know, the movie I told you where a comet the size of Texas destroys earth."

Voldemort sniggered. "The one where he eats animal crackers off his girlfriend?"

"That's the one. Sounds like a real shit loser, doesn't it?"

"Oh, Michael, that's why I love you so much!"

***

Harry found out the third person Ron invited just moments before they were headed to the Three Broomsticks.

"Britney Spears!" he exclaimed. "Why the hell are you inviting that tramp?

"Fred and George want to play a prank on her," Ron said calmly. "They found a piece of her boyfriend's hair and Fred's gonna use Polyjuice Potion to turn into him and they need her out of the castle while they're doing it."

"Her boyfriend?" said Harry. "You mean Justin Timberlake?" (He was very ashamed he knew this).

Ron shrugged. "How should I know? Fred and George found her scrapbook and in one of the pages was a hair that said, "My boyfriend's hair." Actually, she spelled boyfriend wrong, but that's beside the point."

"Are you sure that's hair from his head?" Harry joked.

"Eww! That's sick!" Ron looked disgusted.

Harry laughed. "I'm just joking."

***

When they arrived at the Three Broomsticks they were shown to a booth. Ron and Hermione sat on one side snuggling close together while Harry and Britney sat across from them, Harry sitting as far away from her as he could.

A waitress came over to take their drink orders. She smiled when she saw them. "Ah, here on a double date, are we?"

"No!" Harry said quickly. "This is my cousin. We're not on a date!"

"So what can I get you to drink?" she asked, ignoring Harry's outburst.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione ordered pumpkin juice.

"D'ya haf Pepsi?" asked Britney.

The waitress blinked. "Pepsi?"

"Yeah. Ah's a spokeswoomin fo' Pepsi."

"They don't have Pepsi here," Harry said.

Britney looked shocked. "No Pepsi! Well then. D'ya haf Coke? Sprite? Seven Up? Dr. Pepper?"

The waitress shook her head, even more confused.

"D'ya haf water?"

"That we have."

"This hyar is an odd place, y'all, ah reckon," said Britney as the waitress left to get their drinks. "Ah knows they haf Pepsi in Englan' because I've o'dered one in London befo'e."

"Look, get over it, okay," snapped Hermione. "They don't serve soft drinks here."

The waitress came back with their drinks and took their meal orders.

"This hyar is a nice li'l town, as enny fool kin plainly see," said Birntey. "Whut in tarnation's it called agin?"

"Hogsmeade," said Harry.

"Do they haf a Bath and Body Works hyar? Ah jest love thet sto'e. Mah favo'ite scent is Vanilla Bean. Ah need t'git some mo'e Vanilla Bean loshun. Ah's runnin' out."

Ron looked baffled. "The Bath and Body Works? What is that?"

Hermione giggled. "Oh, Ron. You're such a guy. And no, they don't have a Bath and Body Works here." She whispered to Ron what that store was and they soon stared necking.

Harry nearly jumped out of his seat when Britney scooted closer to him. She batted her eyes at him.

"W-what are you doing?" he asked edging away until he was at the very edge of the seat.

Britney nodded at Ron and Hermione. "What do yo' say we haf our own fun?"

"Are you kidding!" Harry hissed. "We're cousins!"

"Haven't yo' evah heard of kissin' cousins? Besides it's puffickly no'mal fo' cousins t'marry up wif whar ah come fum."

This girl really was a slut! First she was cheating on Justin with Mervin and now she was trying to suck face with him. 

Britney leaned closer and Harry fell out of his seat making Ron and Hermione look up.

"Are you all right there, Harry?" Ron asked.

Harry glared at Britney. "Yeah, I'm fine." He got up and brushed himself off.

The waitress came back with their food and they dug in.

***

"So how do I look?" Fred asked as he stepped into the Common Room.

Angelina giggled. "Just like Justin Timberlake!"

"You have a fro!" George cried.

"Why don't you sing us a little _Bye Bye Bye?" _suggested Alicia giggling.

Lee ran into the room. "They're coming!" he cried.

"Places everyone!" said George

He, Angelina, Alicia, and Lee sat on the couch and Fred hid behind a heavy maroon curtain. A few moments later the entrance opened and the Trio and Britney stepped inside.

"Britney! We have a surprise for you!" George said, trying not to laugh.

"A surprise? Fo' me?"

At that moment, Fred stepped out from behind the curtain.

"Jestin!" she cried running over to hug him. She started to kiss him and Fred tried not to look sick. "Wut is yo' doing hyar?"

"Well, baby, I couldn't live another day without you, so I came to visit you."

"Oh, Jestin!" Britney sighed. "Less hoof it upstairs so yo' kin make me a woomin."

A look of panic crossed over Fred's face. "Uh, sorry babe. But I can only stay for a few minutes. I gotta go soon. And remember, you're not a girl, not yet a woman."

"But Jestin, yo' jest got hyar!" Britney protested.

"Well, I'm not supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be doing a video with the other guys."

"How are the other lads?"

"Oh, you know…we've still got that Backstreet Boys beat."

"Backstreet Boys?" Britney looked confused.

Fred could see Angelina shaking her head furiously behind Britney. Damn! He was always mixing these boybands up.

"Oh, I'm just joking, Sugarplum. You know I mean 98 Degrees."

"Oh, shit," Angelina mumbled. "This isn't going well."

The look on Britney's face told Fred he was wrong again.

"Dream Street! That's it! That's the band I'm in…"

"Jestin, are yo' okay, honey pie?"

Harry gave out a loud cough that sounded a lot like "N'Sync."

"N'Sync! That's it! That's the band I'm in. Okay, gotta go." He kissed a dazed Britney and ran off.

Britney looked disappointed. "Oh durn! Fry mah hide! Now ah's all ho'ny. Ah's gonna find Mervin so he kin satisfy mah needs."

She left leaving the others to burst into laughter.

"Is she gone?" Fred asked appearing back into the room. He had now resumed his regular form.

Angelina threw a pillow at him. "Fred, you idiot! I thought you knew it was N'Sync!" She was laughing.

"It's not my fault that the Muggles have so many damn boybands!"

George's eyes lit up. "We should start the first wizard boyband. Ron, Harry, what do you say?"

"Er, no thanks," said Harry. "I've already got enough people fawning over me as it is."

"Boybands are nothing but manufactured puppets," Hermione said huffily. "They are a disgrace to our society."

"Why the hell are we talking about boybands?" said Harry. "We have a Quidditch match tomorrow. We should be out practicing!"

***

"This is it," Harry said to his fellow Quidditch team. "Our first game of the year. In a few minutes we'll be playing against Ravenclaw. Now I know they have a great team, but you know what? We're even better."

"Hell yeah!" cried George.

"In fact," Harry continued with vibrant energy, "We are the best Quidditch team at Hogswarts. We have three wonderful Chasers."

Angelina, Alicia and Katie smiled.

"Two beater who will stop at nothing. Anyone who gets in their path will be sorry."

The twins high-fived each other.

"And even though Oliver Wood was one of a kind, we have a WONDERFUL new Keeper."

Ron beamed proudly.

"And then we have me. Not to sound conceited or anything, but we all know I'm the best Seeker Hogswarts seen in years."

"You speak the truth!" said Ron.

"So we're going to go out there and rip them apart. We're going to show everyone that we ARE the best Quidditch team here. King Kong ain't got shit on us!"

His fellow teammates erupted into applauds and cheers.

"Let's do it!" yelled Fred.

***

TWO HOURS LATER

"We won, we won!" cried Katie as the Gryffindor team walked back into the locker room.

Harry grinned. "I told you we would!"

"We are the champions, my friends!" Angelina started to sing, "and we'll keep on fighting till the end."

"Well, I'm glad this isn't a cocky team," Ron joked.

That night the Gryffindors had a big celebration.

  
  


__


	7. The Fight

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

__

Dancing Queen belongs to ABBA

__

Tomorrow belongs to whoever wrote it for _Annie_

Please keep in mind that I modeled Colin after Jack from _Will & Grace_, so please don't take any offense!

A big thanks to Jane from the HJO boards for volunteering to be in my story and a big thanks to Rachel my proofreader! 

****

I'm Not a Muggle Not Yet a Wizard

By Sara

Chapter 7

Ginny and Gillian were in the library writing an essay for Snape's class, or at least trying to. 

Suddenly they were (gladly) interrupted by their friend, Jane Roberts, a fifth year Ravenclaw who was coming their way. 

"Ginny, is it true?" she asked as she pulled up a chair across from the redhead.

"Is what true?"

"Are you really dating Draco Malfoy?"

"What?!" Gillian hissed in a low voice. "You never told me that!"

"I never told you because it isn't true! I'm not dating him." She glared at Jane. "Who told you that, anyway?"

Jane shrugged. "Well you went to the Halloween Dance with him."

"That doesn't mean anything!"

"I heard you kissed him."

Ginny groaned. "Keep in mind I was drunk. All I remember is that I passed out and woke up in the hospital wing. At least he had the decency to take me there."

Jane started to giggle. "It wasn't Malfoy who took you there. It was Harry!"

Ginny looked surprised. "Harry! As in Harry Potter?"

"No," Jane said sarcastically. "As in Harry Carrey. Of course it was Potter. Apparently your brother freaked out when he found you and Malfoy were missing-"

Ginny rolled her eyes. "What else is new?"

"-so he asked Harry to find you."

"Oh, wonderful, he saw me passed out, "Ginny groaned. 

Jane giggled again. "That wasn't the only thing he saw!"

"Huh?"

"He saw you snogging Malfoy."

"Oh crap!"

"What are you talking about?" cried Gillian. "That's great! Now he's jealous!"

"But if he tells Ron, I'll be dead! Not to mention Malfoy, but I'm more worried about myself."

"Well, as far as I know, Ron doesn't know," said Jane. "And Harry was jealous! I could tell. He kept shooting death glares at Malfoy during the dance all night."

At that moment Madame Pince (is that he name?) came in sight and glared at them. Ginny hadn't realized they were no longer whispering. 

"Please keep quiet. Do remember you are in a library."

"Sorry," the three girls mumbled.

"Well, I have to go," Jane whispered. "We'll chat later, okay?"

***

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were walking outside complaining about Snape and how he had given them way too much homework. Well, actually only Harry and Ron were complaining about this. Hermione kept saying something about "enriching minds."

"Oh, Hermione, do shut up," Ron snapped. "That bastard of a teacher gave us 300 pages to read in just two days! Not even you can read that much."

"Ronald Weasley!" Hermione exclaimed. "Didn't your mother tell you not to curse?"

Ron grinned. "My mum's not here."

"And besides, he didn't give the Slytherins that much to read," Harry grumbled.

"Because he favors them," Ron grumbled back. "Little perfect Malfoy can do no wrong in his book."

Just thinking about Malfoy made Harry think about him kissing Ginny and that made Harry's fists clench. 

"Why, Hermione, you're looking awfully pretty today," they heard a voice say from behind them.

"Oh, Lord, not him again," Hermione muttered as they turned around and saw Mervin Crunk. 

He grinned and walked up to them. Harry saw that Ron was seething. 

"You know, you never did dance with me at the party."

"I told you, I never wanted to dance with you!" Hermione said, her chin held high. "I don't like you. I think you are annoying and rude and a pervert who thinks he's better than other people."

"I do not think I'm better than anyone! I just know a lot more than other people."

"Nobody knows more than Hermione!" said Ron. "And if you think you're so smart, how come you're not in Ravenclaw, huh?"

Mervin scowled at Ron and started to take Hermione's hand. At that moment Ron snapped and jumped on Mervin, making them fall hard to the ground. His brown eyes were blazing. (Does Ron have brown eyes? I don't know, let's just say he does. Although I think he might have blue eyes).

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, YOU DISGUSTING FAT PIG? YOU KEEP YOUR FILTHY PAWS OFF OF MY GIRLFRIEND! I AM SICK OF YOU COMING ON TO HER ALL THE TIME. I OUGHT TO KILL YOU! LEAVE HER THE HELL ALONE YOU PIECE OF SHIT!"

As he was screaming this, he was also punching Mervin in the face and chest and broke his glasses.

Mervin cried out in pain. "AWWWWW! OWWWWW! SHIT! STOP IT!"

"RON!" cried Hermione as she and Harry ran over to them. 

Harry tried to pull Ron off Mervin, but had no luck. He was now giving Mervin a black eye and bloody nose. 

"Ronald Gregory Weasley! You stop that right now before you get expelled!" Hermione yelled loudly.

This made Ron stop. 

"You're a freaking lunatic, you know that!" Mervin cried as he got up.

"Maybe that will teach you to keep away from my girlfriend!" Ron growled. 

Mervin glared at them and stomped off, most likely to the hospital wing. 

When he disappeared, Hermione flung herself at Ron. "Oh, Ron, how could you have been so stupid! You're going to get detention for this and you could have been easily hurt! Mervin is MUCH bigger than you are. You're lucky you weren't hurt."

"I'm sorry I scared you Hermione, but I was just getting fed up with that bastard coming on to you all the time! How dare he!"

Hermione kissed Ron firmly on the lips. "Just promise me you'll never do it again."

***

For Ron's detention he had to wash all the bedsheets in the Gryffindor rooms – without magic of course. He grumbled, but reminded himself he was doing this for Hermione. At least that fat, perverted, disgusting Slytherin had stopped bugging her. When he was FINALLY done, he joined the others in the Common Room. He sat next to Hermione who was reading. Harry and the twins were playing Exploding Snap and Ginny and Gillian were lying down by the fireplace talking about something and giggling. 

"Are you done?" Hermione asked him putting her book down.

Ron nodded. "It took me forever, but at last I'm done."

At that moment Professor McGonagall stepped into the room. "Potter, come with me please! We've got something to discuss."

Harry gulped, quickly racking his brain to think if he had done anything wrong recently. He was led into Dumbledore's office and quickly sighed a breath of relief when they just wanted to update him about the time turner they were fixing so Britney could return back home. 

"It seems like it's going to be another few months before it's complete," Dumbledore told him.

Harry's jaw dropped open. "_A couple more months??!"_

"Looks that way," Dumbledore replied. "We just wanted to update you on the progress."

Harry mumbled something and headed back to the Gryffindor Common Room.

***

Oliver Wood was beaming at Harry and Ron at their next PE class. "Great job at the Quidditch match against Ravenclaw," he told them. "You kicked their butts! You're going to make a great captain, Harry. I feel honored having you following my footsteps." 

Harry flushed proudly. "Gee, thanks, Oliver."

"Hey, here comes Charlie," Ron said as he saw his older brother. 

Walking on either side of him were two GORGEOUS, sexy, beautiful, ravishing witches. One was Asian with gorgeous black hair and looked like Lucy Liu, the other had beautiful red hair and very pale skin and looked like Nicole Kidman. They looked like the just stepped out of the covers of _Vanity Witch. _

"Hi, Oliver," Charlie said waving. "Mandy and Sara just came from London to visit us since we're both teaching here now."

The pretty redhead went over to Oliver and gave him a kiss.

"This is my girlfriend, Mandy Gilles," Oliver told his class. (Gillian gave a disappointed sigh). "She and Charlie's girlfriend, Sara Cheong (he nodded at the other beautiful witch) live in London. Mandy is an accomplished synchronized broomsticker and Sara is a dragon groomer. That's how she and Charlie met."

"Wow, you won the gold medal at the Magic Olympics in Krakatoa, didn't you?" Padma asked gazing at Mandy in awe.

Mandy nodded. "Just barely though. The witch who won silver was just a tenth of a point behind me."

"Will you be at the next Magic Olympics?" asked Seamus.

Mandy nodded again. "Next year while the Muggles are in Atlanta, I'll be in Knossos, trying to gain another gold."

"Whoa, Charlie's girlfriend is HOT!" Ron whispered to Harry who nodded in agreement.

"Oliver sure knows how to pick them too."

They heard a scowling noise behind them and turned to see Hermione glaring at Ron.

"What?" he asked.

"Stop drooling over your brother's girlfriend!" she snapped.

Harry decided to bite his tongue and keep from telling Hermione that she had been drooling over Charlie when Professor Dumbledore introduced him at their first day of school.

"Well, I gotta get back to my classes," said Charlie. "Mandy wanted to come and see you, Oliver, so I hoped we didn't interrupt him."

"No problem," Oliver said, his arm still around Mandy's waist. "I've missed my exquisite enchanted sorceress." He kissed her again. 

Charlie walked off with his arm over Sara's shoulder.

"Why must the cute ones always have girlfriends?" Gillian whispered to Ginny.

Ginny tried to stifle a laugh. "Ah, come on now, he was too old for you, Gilly-bean. And besides, you think Draco is cute and he doesn't have a girlfriend."

Gillian rolled her eyes. "But he's a jerk!"

"Okay, everyone start doing their warm ups!" Oliver said. He grabbed his girlfriend and took her under a tree. "And we'll do our own warm ups," he said as he started to kiss her.

"Oliver!" she exclaimed. "We can't make out in front of your students!"

"They're not paying attention," Oliver said as he started kissing her neck. "They're doing their sit ups."

He kissed her once more as the class said "OOOOHHHH!"

Mandy rolled her eyes. "Yeah right, they really aren't paying attention."

Oliver grinned sheepishly. He turned to his students. "Oh, stop being so immature!"

Mandy went to take a seat in the soft grass as Oliver turned his attention on the students once they had finished their exercises. 

"Today we're going to run a couple of laps around the school."

The class erupted into groans.

"You just want us out of your hair so you can make out with your girlfriend," Draco whined.

Oliver smirked. "No, that's what was planned today. Honestly! All right, three laps around the school! Go!"

The students started to run, but once they were out of Oliver's sight, they slowed down to a walking pace. 

"This sucks," Ron whined to Harry. "I can't believe we have to run around this freaking castle."

Draco had walked up beside him, smirking. "Well, you have to admit the view is nice." He nodded at Ginny who was walking in front of them next to Gillian and Hermione.

"Why you little bastard!" Ron boiled. "If I weren't already in enough trouble for beating up Mervin, you'd be dead by now!"

"Oh, give it a rest, Weasley. Stop treating your sister like a damn six year old all the time."

"Stop treating Ginny like she's a piece of meat!" Harry hissed at him.

"Stay out of this, Potter!" Draco snapped. He smirked at Ron. "Your sister's a pretty good little kisser, you know that?"

Ron's face went red. "WHAT?!"

"You heard me."

"You were snogging my sister! Where? When?"

"At the dance. Actually I would have kissed her longer if you're annoying little friend here hadn't come and interrupted us."

Ron turned to Harry with fire in his eyes. "You knew Malfoy kissed Ginny and you didn't tell me!"

"I didn't want to get you upset!" Harry cried. "Like you are now." He turned to Malfoy. "Besides, the kiss didn't mean anything since you had her all drunk."

Draco rolled her eyes. "For the tenth time, I didn't get her drunk."

"You better stay away from my sister or I'll kill you!"

"Is that a threat?"

"What do you think?"

"I think you're nothing but a poor redheaded wizard freak who has a Mudblood for a girlfriend and somebody who thinks he's so great just because he has a scar on his forehead for a best friend." Draco grinned at Ron, then went to join Crabbe and Goyle.

Ron muttered something under his breath. Harry didn't quite catch it, but it sounded an awfully lot like it rhymed with "Ducking castard."

Oblivious to what was going on behind them, Ginny, Gillian and Hermione were enjoying their walk. This was something Hermione could handle. She and Gillian had started singing the lyrics to _Dancing Queen._

"Ohhh! You can dance! You can dance! Having the time of your life! Ohhh! See that girl, watch that scene. Digging the dancing queen!"

"Friday night and the lights are lowwwwwww," Gillian sang between giggles, "looking out for a place to gooooo. Where they play the right music, getting in the swing. You come in to look for a king."

Hermione sang the next line: "Anybody could be that guyyyy. Night is young and the music's highhhhh. With a bit of rock music, everything is fine. You're in the mood for dance."

They sang together now: "And when you get the chance…you are the dancing queen! Young and sweet! Only seventeen! Dancing queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine. OHHHHH YEAHHH! YOU CAN DANCE! YOU CAN DANCE! HAVING THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE! OHHH! SEE THAT GIRL, WATCH THAT SCENE, DIGGING THE DANCING QUEEN!"

They collapsed into giggles and Ginny shook her head at them. "You two are insane!"

"Oh, God, I love that song," Gillian said still laughing.

"Me too," said Hermione. "It's one of my guilty pleasures."

"ABBA ROX!" Gillian cried out suddenly and laughed.

"Say, Gillian," Hermione said. "Speaking of ABBA, have you ever seen _Muriel's Wedding_?"

"Are you kidding me!" Gillian exclaimed. "I love that movie. Toni Collette is my favorite actress."

"Yeah, she's an acting genius," Hermione agreed.

"Madame Treelawney said her next movie in a few more years is going to be something with seeing dead people," said Gillian. "She'll play the mother to that little kid who was Forrest Gump Jr."

"Aww," said Hermione. "He's so cute. I liked _Forrest Gump, _but I still thought _The Shawshank Redemption _should have won the Oscar."

Gillian nodded. "I agree. I thought that movie was better. Morgan Freeman is one of my favorite actors. Did you ever see _Driving Miss Daisy _with Jessica Tandy?"

Hermione shook her head. "No, I'll have to rent that one of these days. But speaking of 

Jessica Tandy, I have seen _Coccoon."_

"I LOVE that movie!" said Gillian her blue eyes twinkling. "Ron Howard is such an awesome director."

"Oh, I love Ron!" Hermione gushed. "And not just because his name is Ron and he has red hair."

The two girls giggled.

"Ron Howard?" said a voice. Hermione groaned when she recognized it belong to Mervin. 

Hermione sighed. "What do you want now, Mervin?"

"You can't possibly like the directing of Ron Howard! He's Opie freaking Cunningham for God's sake! I'm telling you, if he ever wins an Oscar, God forbid, it will be an atrocity."

Hermione put her hands on her hips. "Stop acting like such a critic wannabe, Mervin. And I happen to like Ron Howard.'

"Me too," said Gillian.

"Me too," said Ginny even though she had no idea who Ron Howard was.

Mervin rolled her eyes. "You people are hopeless! Ron Howard is not a real director! A real director is someone like Stanley Kubrick. He makes his movies out to be cinematic achievements."

Gillian snorted and Mervin glared at her.

"Damn it, Mervin!" cried Hermione. "I'm sick of your holier than thou, I'm know everything about movies, attitude!"

"Hmph. You just don't appreciate fine art!" Mervin huffed away.

"Oh my God! What a loser!" said Ginny.

***

Charlie, Sara, Oliver, and Mandy had joined the others at lunch.

"Charlie, you never told me you had such a cute little brother," Sara said smiling at Ron who blushed. "He's so adorable!"

Charlie rolled his eyes. "Trust me, once you get to know him, he's not so "adorable."

"Why, hello there!"

"Watch out you two," Hermione warned Sara and Mandy as Mervin Crunk approached them. "This guy's a real loser."

The two sista witchas looked at Mervin who plopped his fat ass down across from them.

"Mervin, what the hell do you think you're doing here?" Ron demanded. "This is the Gryffindor table! Go back to the slimy Slytherin table where you belong."

Mervin ignored him. He was grinning at Sara and Mandy. "You two must be an overdue library book because the word FINE is just printed all over you."

Mandy and Sara looked at him, then looked at each other and burst out laughing.

"Say, Mandy, doesn't he remind you of somebody?" asked Sara.

"Yeah," said Sara. "He reminds me of that guy who posts at the Wizard Actors boards. The one who calls himself Mr. Critic."

"But the one we call DSP," Mandy said and the two girls sniggered.

"He looks an awfully lot like him too," said Sara. "Really fat, glasses.."

"You don't happen to post at the Cinephile boards and read "Nifty Erotic" stories, do you?" Mandy asked Mervin.

"You bet I do!" said Mervin. "I also subscribe to _Play Wizard _and _Pent Castle. _You two witch babes should pose for _Play Witch."_

"Eww! You watch what you say, you little pervert!" said Sara. 

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Told ya he's a loser!"

Meanwhile at the other end of the table Ginny and Gillian sat. Their friend, Colin Creevy, interrupted them.

"Hey, girlfriends," he said snapping his fingers in front of his face. "Mind if Justin and I sit here."

"Sure, go ahead," Ginny replied. 

Colin and his boyfriend, Justin Fitch-Fletchery took a seat across from the girls. Everyone knew they had both come out of the (broom) closet last summer.

"So, Ginny, tell me the 411 on you and Harry," Colin said as he bit into his pastrami and provolone sandwich. "I hear he has his pretty green eyes on you, girlfriend, mmmhmmm."

Ginny rolled her eyes. "Boy, nothing gets past this school, does it?"

Gillian giggled. "You think Harry's cute, Colin?"

"Oh hell yes, girlfriend! Why do you think I kept following him all around during my first year?" He winked at them and they groaned.

"Too bad for you Harry doesn't swing that way," said Gillian. There was a twinkle in her eye. "Or does he? You know he and Draco Malfoy seem to get in a lot of spats…could be they're deeply in love with each other."

Ginny choked on the pumpkin juice she had just swallowed. "Harry and Draco? A couple? Oh god, that's a pair made in Valhalla."

"You know," Justin said thoughtfully, "if Draco weren't such a snotty bastard I'd do things to him that would make him cry out for his mommy. He's pretty yummy."

"Whoa-oa!" Gillian cried holding up her hand. "That was WAY too much information."

Justin held up his own hand. "Talk to the hand, girlfriend, mmmhmmm."

"You better get your pretty little hands on pretty Potter before he gets snatched up, Ginny," said Colin. "Cuz he is all that and a bag of chips, mmmhmmm."

"Mmmhmm," agreed Justin. 

"Mmmmhmm," replied Gillian just for the hell of it.

***

November had turned into December and snow had fallen everywhere around Hogswarts, making the grounds look like a picturesque Christmas card. The students buzzed with excitement after Dumbledore announced there would be a Yule Ball before the winter holidays began. It was three weeks away.

"Oh, another ball!" Hermione said happily. "I had such a good time at the last one."

"But you're going to have an even better time at this one because I'm taking you," said Ron. "And not that overgrown idiot who can't even say your name right."

"Oh, Ron," sighed Hermione. "He was from a foreign country. Give Victor a break." She smiled. "And I'd be honored to go with you." 

"You have any idea who you're going to invite, Harry?" Ron asked. "Gonna try for Cho Chang? I don't think Parvati Patil will go with you this year." He laughed.

Harry opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted by Fred and George.

"So Ronnie do you have a date for the Yule Ball yet?" Fred asked.

"Of course he does, Fred!" said George. "He's going with Hermione. She's our little brother's girlfriend!"

Ron rolled his eyes. "The Yule Ball was just announced and yes, of course I have a date. I'm going with Hermione! Who else would I go with?"

Hermione smiled.

"I'm going with Angelina of course and George here is going with Katie Bell."

"Katie Bell?" said Hermione. "I thought you went to the Halloween Dance with Alicia, George," said Hermione.

"I did. But Lee took Katie to the Halloween dance and now wants to take Alicia to this dance, so we're switching."

"Do you have a date yet, Harry?" Fred asked.

"Er, not yet."

George winked at him. "You should ask our little sister. I don't think she's mad at you anymore."

"The hell he will!" Ron cried. "Harry will not be asking Ginny to any dance."

Fred rolled his eyes. "Calm down, Ron. It's just a dance."

Harry gave a weak smile. "And I still have three weeks to find a date, right?"

***

Ginny was sitting with Gillian in the Gryffindor Common Room. She sighed heavily. "Only three weeks until the Yule Ball and I still don't have a date."

"Three weeks is still a lot of time," Gillian reassured her. "And I don't have a date yet either."

"Now, now what are you two talking about?" Colin had come over to join them. "You're both beautiful girls and you'll find a date for the Yule Ball. Why, if I didn't play for the other Quidditch team, I'd have a hard time deciding which one of you I would ask to the dance, mmmhmmm."

Ginny smiled. "Thanks, Colin."

"Girl, you know I was serious about Harry, mmmhmm," said Colin. "You should ask him to the dance. He'd be a damned fool to say no to you, girlfriend! Mmmmmhmmm!" He snapped his fingers and moved his neck in a swift motion.

"But I can't ask him!" Ginny cried. "I just can't! I turn red whenever I go near him and my legs get weak."

"Why?" asked Gillian. "He's just a skinny geek with glasses and messy hair."

"Oh, no he's much more than that," Ginny sighed and Colin sighed too.

"Mmmmhmmm, you said it girlfriend. He is ALL that and a bag of chocolate frogs. Yummy. Mmmhmm."

Ginny gave Colin an odd look. "Er, yeah."

"You should ask him tomorrow, Ginny," said Gillian.

"Tomorrow," said Colin. He started to sing: "The sun will come out tomorrow, tomorrow."

"Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there'll be sun." sang Gillian.

"Just thinking about tomorrow clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow," sang Colin. "Till there's none."

Gillian sang next, "When you start with a day that's gray and lonely, I just stick out my chin and grin and say –"  
Colin joined her: "Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love you! Tomorrow! You're always a day away!"

"You two are nuts, you know that?" said Ginny.

Colin and Gillian grinned at each other. "Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya! Tomorrow! You're always a day away! Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya! Tomorrow! You're always a DAYYYYYYYYYYY AAAAAAAAWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

"If I ask him, will you please stop singing that song?" said Ginny.

Colin and Gillian nodded.

At that moment, Erroll, the Weasley family owl flew into the room and dropped a letter in Ginny's lap and flew out again. Ginny saw that her name was neatly written with a fancy quill pen. She opened the envelope and read the card that fell out.

"Oh!" she exclaimed. "It's a wedding invitation!"

Ohhh! Cliffhanger! Can you guess who's getting married? Coming up in the next chapter: Ginny asks Harry to the Yule Ball! Ron and Hermione get in a spat! Uh oh!

__ __

  


__


	8. Trip to London

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Author's Notes: I'd like to dedicate this story to my sister Mandy who made me believe in myself. Plus she and I like to make fun of Twitney Smears together. And as always, I'd like to thank "Mr. Critic" for giving me the inspiration for a new character, Mervin. 

****

I'm Not a Muggle Not Yet a Wizard

By Sara

Chapter 8

"Oh, who's getting married?" squealed Gillian.

"Percy! He's marrying Penelope this summer."

Gillian sighed. "How romantic! I just love weddings!"

"I gotta go find Ron and the twins and tell them the news!" said Ginny.

***

Ron sat across from his friends the next morning at breakfast to find they were in a heated debate.

"What are you two arguing about?" he asked as he took a mouthful of scrambled eggs.

"We're discussing who would make a better wizard in a Muggle movie," said Hermione. "Richard Harris or Ian McKellen?"

Ron shrugged. "I have no idea who they are."

Hermione turned her attention back to Harry. "I still say Richard Harris. He has that white scraggy hair just like Dumbledore."

But Harry was shaking his head. "No way. Ian McKellen has that twinkle in his eye that all wizards possess. And those Hollywood make up artists could do wonders to make him look like a wizard. Besides, I see Richard Harris playing a figure like Marcus Arelius."

"Okay, you two are boring me because I have no idea what you're talking about," said Ron.

Harry grinned sheepishly. "Sorry, Ron. Say, what do you think of Percy getting married?"

Both Harry and Hermione knew about the wedding because they had also gotten invitations.

"I'm not surprised, actually. I always figured he would be the first to tie the knot in our family."

Harry felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around to see Ginny. "Oh, hi, Ginny." He smiled.

"Ginny, stop bugging us," Ron said. "Ow!" he exclaimed as he was kicked under the table by Hermione who was glaring at him.

"Honestly Ron! Is that any way to treat your sister?"

"Um, Harry, I was wondering, if er, uh, you know," Ginny said flustered.

Harry looked at her encouragingly. "Yes?"

Ginny looked down at her feet and mumbled something Harry couldn't hear.

"What?"

She looked up turning slightly pink and said, "Would you go to the Yule Ball with me?"

Harry was about to say something when Ron jumped up and said, "Ginny, leave Harry alone! He doesn't want to go to the dance with you! You're just my little sister for God's sake, a lowly fourth year."

"Ron!" gasped Hermione.

Ginny glared at her brother, then turned and ran off before they saw her tears.

"Ronald Gregory Weasley!" exclaimed Hermione. "How can you be so cold to your own sister?"

"But Harry doesn't want to go to the dance with her, do you Harry?"

"Well, er, actually-"

"Ron, that isn't the point," Hermione snapped. "You hurt your sister's feeling and embarrassed her in front of her friends. Couldn't you see she was already nervous about asking Harry? You made an awkward moment even more embarrassing. And since when did you start speaking for Harry? Next time let him answer questions that are directed to him." She stood up with a huff. 

"Where are you going?" asked Ron. "Class doesn't start for another twenty minutes."

Hermione gave him a cold look. "I don't think I can sit here anymore."

"Great," Ron sighed as Hermione stormed out of the Great Hall, "now my sister AND my girlfriend are pissed off at me."

"Well, Ron, you were pretty rude to your sister," Harry said.

Ron rolled his eyes. "I was only helping you so you wouldn't have to go to the dance with my sister."

"Well, what if I want to go to the with Ginny?"

Ron blinked. "You do?"

"Actually, I was going to say yes to her."

Ron stared at him unbelievingly. "You were?"

"Well….yeah…maybe."

"You can't date her! She's my sister!"

"It's a dance, Ron! It's not like we're dating. Besides, I've been such a prat for ignoring your sister for so long. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to try to find Ginny before class starts."

** * 

Harry wasn't able to find Ginny before he had to go to his Defense Against the Dark Arts class. Judging by the glares Hermione kept shooting at Ron, it was obvious she was still furious at him.

"Good morning!" Charlie said cheerfully. "Today we are going to begin to study the _Diff'rent Strokes _curse. (Snicker). Now can anyone tell me what they know about this curse?"

Not surprisingly, Hermione raised her hand. "It's a curse used on wizards to provoke a great deal of pain and suffering."

Charlie nodded. "That's right. It traumatizes the victims. Now can anyone tell me how it got its name?"

Again, Hermione's hand went up. "It comes from the 1970s Muggle TV show about a rich old white man who has adopted two black kids named Arnold and Willis. There's also a girl named Kimberly and a housekeeper named Mrs. Garrat

"

Charlie nodded once again. "Right again you are. This TV show was actually very traumatizing to the Muggles who watched it. The episodes were quite disturbing. One of the episodes involved a pervert who lured Arnold and Kimberly to his house to look for a dog. Turns out he ended locking Arnold in a closet so he could rape Kimberly."

The class gasped.

"How horrible!" exclaimed Lavender.

"And remember when Kimberly had bulimia?" said Hermione. She shuddered. "That wasn't a pretty sight."

"And remember the show where Arnold finds out his teacher is a stripper!" said Seamus.

Ron started to laugh and whispered to Harry, "Oh man. Just imagine if WE found out Snape was a stripper."

"Ugh, don't make me sick!" Harry whispered back.

"Oh, I remember that show!" said Dean Thomas. "Remember the time when Arnold and Willis were arrested for assault and Kimberly OD'ed on drugs and died. Oh, wait a minute! That wasn't a show, that was real life!"

The class groaned.

"Well, as you can see, this was a very traumatizing show," said Charlie. "Now, here is the spell for it. It's quite long. Repeat after me." He cleared his throat and said, "Now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum."

"Now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum," the class chorused in unison.

"What might be right for you, may not be right for some."

"What might be right for you, may not be right for some."

"A man is born, he's a man of means."

"A man is born, he's a man of means."

"Then along come two, they got nothing but the genes."

"Then along come two, they got nothing but the genes."

"But they got diff'rent stroke it takes."

"But they got diff'rent strokes it takes."

"Diff'rent strokes it takes."

"Diff'rent strokes it takes."

"Diff'rent strokes to move the world."

"Diff'rent strokes to move the world."

"Everybody's got a special kind of story."

"Everybody's got a special kind of story."

"Everybody finds a way to shine."

"Everybody finds a way to shine."

"It don't matter that you got, not a lot, so what?"

"It don't matter that you got, not a lot, so what?"

"They'll have theirs and you'll have yours and I'll have mine."

"They'll have theirs and you'll have yours and I'll have mine."

"And together we'll be fine!"

"And together we'll be fine!"

"Cause it takes diff'rent strokes to move the world."

"Cause it takes diff'rent strokes to move the world."

"Yes it does, it take diff'rent strokes to move the worrrrllllldd!"

"Yes it does, it take diff'rent strokes to move the worrrrllllldd!"

"That's a really long spell," said Neville. "How am I ever going to remember that?"

"Don't worry," Charlie assured him. "It's really not that hard to memorize. Honestly."

"So you're telling us if we use that spell on someone, it will vex them to have a great deal of pain and suffering?" asked Pavarti.

"Yep," said Charlie. "When this curse is used, the victim will suddenly be trapped in the most traumatizing event of their life."

Harry shuddered. He had many traumatizing things happen to him, it was hard to pinpoint just one.

They practiced the song over and over until the bell rang.

Harry and Ron now had the damned song in their head and were singing it as they left the class.

"It don't matter that you got, not a lot, so what?" sang Ron.

"They'll have theirs and you'll have yours and I'll have mine," sang Harry.

"And together we'll be fine!" they sang in unison.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Don't you have to apologize to your sister," she snapped at Ron.

"Oh, that reminds me, I still need to find Ginny," said Harry and ran off.

***

"Psst, you guys," Gillian said.

Ginny and Kjirsten looked up to see their friend enter their room carrying a big box.

"What's in the box?" asked Ginny.

Gillian grinned as she set it on her bed and took out a –

"A TV!" Ginny exclaimed. She knew immediately what it was because her dad had raved about them many times. "You can't even use that here. Muggle electricity doesn't work here."

Gillian grinned widely. "That's what you think! My mom charmed this TV so it works without magic! All you need is a wand to turn it on."

Kjirsten looked confused. "You mean it gets turned on?"

"Not that kind of turned on!" Gillian rolled her eyes. "You use the wand to make it work."

"Oh, that is so cool!" said Ginny. "My dad would just FREAK if he saw this."

Gillian couldn't seem to rid of her grin. "I begged my mom to send me it because I was missing my favorite show, _Passions."_

"Passions? What's that?" asked Ginny.

"Only the best show on TV!" Gillian exclaimed. "It's a soap opera, actually."

"Soap?" repeated Kjirsten. "Like what the Muggles use to clean themselves with?"

"Not exactly," said Gillian. "A soap opera is a really exaggerated TV drama. It's usually on during the daytime."

"So what's _Passions _about?" asked Ginny.

"Oh, what isn't it about? Let's see, right now this, girl, Kay, see, she's in love with her cousin's boyfriend, so she decided she need to get rid of her."

"So what does she do?" Ginny asked as she and Kjirsten sat on her bed across from Gillian.

"Well, Kay gets the Book of Spells from this witch, Tabitha-"

"Wait a minute," Ginny interrupted. "Let me guess: this witch is evil."

"Well, yeah."

Ginny rolled her eyes. "Why do the Muggles always have to portray witches as being evil?"

"That's not true, there's Glenda the Good Witch. Anyway, Kay finds a spell that will put Charity, her cousin, in a block of ice. So she does that, then there's another Charity who's really a demon from Hell."

"Damn, this show sounds messed up already," said Ginny.

"Oh, it gets even more messed up," Gillian chuckled. "Everybody thinks the zombie Charity is the real Charity. Nobody knows that the real Charity is trapped in a block of ice except for Kay, Tabby, and Timmy."

"Timmy?" questioned Ginny.

"He's a little boy who used to be a doll."

"Oh, right."

"Oh, yeah." Gillian started to laugh. "There's also a character, Theresa, who got pregnant by her boyfriend's father. Actually he's not really his father, but he grew up thinking he was."

"I'm not even going to ask why she got pregnant by her boyfriend's supposed father," said Ginny. "That's just bizarre."

"Then there's Luis and Sheridan," Gillian proceeded. She sighed. "Those two are soul mates, but I don't think they're destined to ever get together cause Sheridan keeps dying."

"Keeps?" inquired Kjirsten. 

"One time she "drowned." Another time she just barely made it out of a fire. I think there was a boat accident once. She now has amnesia and lives with Luis's estranged brother. Of course she doesn't even know that's his brother. She can't remember anything about her past, just something about a dead lover. She can't even remember her own name, so she now goes by Diana. But Luis and Sheridan were almost reunited by the power of the Bermuda Triangle."

"What's that?" asked Kjirsten.

Gillian shrugged. "Beats me. I never did get that. Something to do with purple lights in the sky. I guess it's like a lunar eclipse or something that brings lost souls together."

Ginny rolled her eyes. "No offense, Gillian, but that sounds like a really awful show."

Gillian grinned. "Oh, but it is! That's why I love it so much!"

Kjirsten needed to do some work, so Ginny and Gillian went down to the Common Room. Colin was there too.

"Ginny!" he exclaimed. "So did you ask Harry to the Yule Ball yet?"

"Oh yeah," said Gillian. "I almost forgot."

"Well…" Ginny said. She explained to them what had happened.

Gillian rolled her eyes. "Your brother is such a git! Of course, what were you thinking asking him in front of your brother?"

Ginny shrugged. "I saw him and I just wanted to get it over with."

"Well, there's still time," mused Gillian. "He hasn't said yes, but he hasn't said no." Her eyes brightened. "I have a way that will GAURENTEE he'll say yes the next time you ask him."

"Next time!" Ginny cried. "I don't think so."

Gillian ignored her as she stood up. 'Now watch me." She reached into her robe pocket and pulled out a quill pen and dropped it. "Oops! I dropped my pen." 

Colin started to giggle as though he knew what Gillian was going to do.

"Now watch closely…I bend over to pick up the object…then I SNAP back up." She regained her standing posture with a flourish, wearing a big toothy smile. "See? I just bend and snap! Bend and snap!" She demonstrated this for Ginny a couple more times.

"You go girl!" Colin cried. "The bend and snap works for me everytime."

(A/N: hehe I just loved that scene from _Legally Blonde)._

"I am NOT going to do that!" Ginny hissed, embarrassed.

"Oh, c'mon, Gin, just try it," pleaded Gillian.

"Fine." She got up and soon she, Colin, and Gillian were all practicing the bend and snap.

They heard the entrance open and Harry came in singing a tune under his breath. He stopped when he saw the three fourth years.

"Uh, am I interrupting something?"

Ginny started to blush profusely.

"Oh no," Gillian said casually. "We were just doing some exercises." She frowned. "Why were you singing the theme song to _Diff'rent Strokes?"_

Now Harry was blushing. "I wasn't singing the theme song to _Diff'rent Strokes!"_

"Yes you were! I could recognize that song anywhere. Whatchu talkin' bout, Potter?"

Harry sighed. "It's a long story. Anyway, I was wondering if I could talk to you, Ginny."

"Me?" squeaked Ginny.

Gillian put her hand behind her ear and strained as though she was listening to someone. "What's that? Oh, you need us McGonagall. Okay, we'll be right there! C'mon!" She grabbed Colin and giggling they exited the room.

Harry looked at them leave with an amused expression on his face and Ginny rolled her eyes. 

"About earlier today at breakfast," Harry began.

"Oh, don't worry about it," Ginny said quickly. "Ron was right, I shouldn't have asked you."

"Well, actually," said Harry. "I came to tell you that I would like to go to the Yule Ball with you."

Ginny blinked. "You do?"

"Harry smiled shyly. "Yeah." He looked uncomfortable for a second and then said, "Well, I gotta go. I have Potions now. I'll see you later, okay?"

Ginny nodded. "Okay. See you."

After Harry exited, Ginny let out a loud squeal.

***

Next weekend was a planned trip to Hogsmeade. Harry walked between Ron and Hermione on their journey there.

"I still can't believe you're going to the dance with Ginny," Ron mumbled to Harry.

"Oh, Ron!" said Hermione. "Is it really that big of a deal? At least she's not going with Malfoy."

"I guess," Ron grumbled.

"And Harry is our friend! Do you really think he would do anything to hurt your sister?"

Harry hated it when people talked about him like he wasn't there, but at least nothing negative was being said about him.

"Yeah, you're right, Herm," said Ron. "I'm sorry. I guess I was being a jerk to Ginny."

Hermione nodded. "And I think you owe her an apology the next time you see her."

They entered the Three Broomsticks for mugs of butterbeer and speak of the devil! There was Ginny sitting at a table with Gillian, Colin, Justin, and Jane, a girl who was their age who was in Ravenclaw.

Hermione nudged Ron and he walked over to them while she and Harry got a booth of their own.

As Ron walked closer to his sister's table, he could hear snippets of their conversation. Gillian was talking about a demon baby. _What the hell? h_e thought. Colin started to talk about how hot some guy named Luis was. Ron shook his head. He wasn't sure he wanted to know what they were talking about.

Suddenly Gillian looked up. "Oh, look who it is, Ginny," she said sarcastically. "Your brother who doesn't think you're good enough for anybody."

Ron sighed. "Obviously Ginny hadn't wasted any time telling all her friends about the little incident.

Ginny glared at her brother as he came up to their table. "What do you want, Ron?"

"Are you here to tell Ginny that she can't go to the Yule Ball at all now?" questioned Gillian.

Ron glared at her. "Stay out of this, Yankee."

"Ooh, you called me a Yankee. Ooh! I'm so scared."

"What do you want, Ron?" Ginny snapped.

"First of all, I want to tell you you need to get new friends." He glared at Gillian who glared back. "And second of all, I came to tell you that I want to apologize for being a great big prat. And you have my blessing to go to the Yule Ball with Harry."

"That's very noble of you, Ron."

"So do you forgive me?"

"Well, I'm still a little bit mad at you, but since you ARE my favorite brother, I'll find it somehow in my heart to forgive you."

Ron gave her a hug. "I knew you'd find it in my heart to forgive me, Ginny."

"Yeah, yeah. You know, if you REALLY want to show how sorry you are, you can buy me a bag of Licorice Wands."

"Sure thing." Ron went back to join Harry and Hermione and told them everything was now okay.

Before they left to go to Honeydukes, Hermione went over to Ginny's table.

"Ron apologized to you, right?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, just making sure. Hey, listen, since we're both going to the dance, we should go shopping for new dresses."

"Oh, can I with you too?" Gillian put in. "I'm going to the dance with Draco Malfoy."

Ginny snorted. "You never told me that."

"I just asked him earlier today."

"Well, I gotta go now," Hermione said looking up to see Harry and Ron were getting impatient at the front door, "but let's go shopping sometime next week, okay?"

"Sure thing."

***

It was another day for the students in their Intimate Relationship class.

"Okay class," said Professor Crunk. "We're gonna do some more role playing."

Everyone groaned, but he ignored them as he switched to Monsieur Chapeau mode. "Hermione, Draco, please come up front."

Cautiously, the two rivals approached each other.

"Now you two are going to be at a party. Draco, you'll be hitting on Hermione, trying to make her sleep with you. Hermione, you'll be rejecting him."

"Gladly," Hermione muttered and Draco exclaimed, "I'm not hitting on a Mudblood!"

"And begin.

Draco turned to Hermione, his eyes rolled up to the top of his head. "Hey, baby, wanna get your groove on with me?" His voice was thick with sarcasm.

"I don't think so," Hermione said coolly.

"Come on baby, let's get it on. Yeah, baby, you know you want me, uh huh, uh huh." Draco's voice was mundane.

"Listen buddy," Hermione seethed. "I don't think you're ready for this jelly."

Draco looked confused. "Huh?"

Hermione broke out of character and looked at her teacher. "Professor Crunk, do you think we could stop with the role playing all the time? It's getting kind of old, no offense."

Professor Crunk frowned. "Did you hear that, Monsieur Chapeau? Hermione doesn't like our role playing!" (Squeaky voice): Oh, Professor Crunk, I'm so hurt! Hermione hurt my feelings."

Hermione groaned. Oh great, she had made a puppet cry.

"Okay, that's enough. Sit down and we'll start on our next chapter about self gratification." 

***

Ginny and Gillian were in their room watching Gillian's TV. Gillian had turned it on with a wand.

"You usually use a thing called a remote to turn these things on," Gillian told her friend. 

"They're rectangular shape things with buttons on them."

"Oh, those sound familiar," said Ginny. "I think my dad has one of those. Of course he doesn't know what it is. I'll have to tell him."

Gillian used her want to turn the channels and turn up the volume. "Yes! _Passions _is on!"

They began watching the cheesy soap opera with Gillian telling Ginny who all the characters were and what was going on. After about half an hour there was a knock on the door and they heard Hermione's voice. 

"Don't come in here!" Gillian said quickly, but it was too late. Hermione had already opened the door.

She looked shocked when she saw the television. "What's a telly doing here?"

"Don't worry, Hermione," Ginny said. "It's charmed by magic."

"Oh my God! Is that _Passions?"_

"Yeah," said Gillian. She giggled. "You're a fan of that show, Hermione?"

"Am I? Am I? You bet I am! You guys have to let me watch this with you."

"Sure thing, Hermione," said Ginny. "So what did you come to tell us?"

"You know how we planned to go shopping for our Yule Ball dresses?"

Ginny nodded. "We're still going, right?"

"Oh yes….but Britney overheard that we were going and she wants to go to."

Ginny rolled her eyes. "I suppose she's going to the dance with Mervin Crunk."

"Oh yes, of course. Everybody's favorite loser. I couldn't say no to her, so I hope it's okay if she's coming."

Ginny shrugged. "Sure."

At that moment Britney came into the room. (A/N: Wow, she has good timing, doesn't she?)

"He'yall," she said. "Hermione, thanks fo' inviting me t'go shoppin' wif yo."

"Don't mention it."

"Ah's so happy t'be a-gonna to th' dance wif Mervin Crunk thet ah's a-gonna buy all yo' gals noo dresses fo' th' occashun. Whut in tarntion does ah care? Ah have millions of dollars."

The three witches stared at each other, then stared at Britney.

"You mean you're going to pay for our dresses?" Gillian asked. 

"Sho'nuff. Whuffo' eff'n it wasn't fo' yo' gals, ah w'd haf nevah met Mervin Crunk, th' man of mah dreams."

"What about Jus-" Hermione began, but Gillian had jabbed her in the ribs. She smiled sweetly at Britney. "Britney, we would be more than honored to have you pay for our Yule Ball dresses."

Hermione's face fell. "Wait a minute. We can't use Muggle money in Hogsmeades."

"Muggle?" said Britney.

"Uh, I meant American."

Ginny and Gillian groaned too. In the excitement, they had forgotten about this little obstacle.

"Cain't we jest exchange it at a bank fo' English money?"

"Oh, I don't want to go to Hogsmeade!" Gillian whined. "They don't have anything good. I want to go to London! Where they have real clothes. Really good clothes!"

"But you know we aren't allowed to go to the city!" said Ginny. "At least not with a seventh year accompanying us." (A/N: I'm just making this shit up, seems like a good rule, don't you think?)

"You're right," said Hermione. "That's the rule. Hold on. I'll be right back!"

Britney turned to the TV. "Oh, _Passions! _Ah jest love thet show!"

"Luis is HOT!" said Gillian.

They watched the show for ten minutes before Hermione came running back. "Okay," she said. "I just talked to Angelina Johnson and she said she would go to London with us as long as Alicia and Katie could come too and Britney brought them new dresses as well. I told her that could be done. So, you don't mind that, do you Britney?"

"Sho'nuff. Ah haf way too much money than ah knows whut t'do wif."

Professor McGonagall approved for the seven girls to go to London even though she wasn't crazy about the idea. 

"You girls be careful," she told them the day before they were going to leave. "And when you're done shopping for your dresses, you come right back here, you hear?"

Angelina nodded. "Yes, ma'am."

On Saturday morning, the night of the dance, they took the Hogswarts Express to London. Of course, they were all wearing Muggle clothing. Britney was wearing a black wig and green contacts to disguise herself. They slept on the train since they had to get up so early. 

(A/N: I've never been to London before so if I get it wrong, please don't yell at me. Cuz I won't listen anyway).

"Ah, we're here," Angelina said once the train had stopped.

"Where to first, ladies?" Katie asked once they were all outside in the crisp London air. 

"I'm STARVING," said Gillian. "Let's grab some chow."

"Good idea," said Hermione. "I don't think any of us had breakfast."

The other girls nodded.

"I know I didn't since I had to wake up so damn early," Alicia muttered. She grinned. "Not that I mind, though."

"Oh, look!" cried Gillian. "There's McDonalds. Let's go there!"

Angelina let out a laugh. "We're in one of the most glamour cities in the world and you want to go to McDonalds of all places to eat?"

"Do you know how long it's been since I've had a Big Mac?" questioned Gillian. "Or how long it's been since I've had hot steamy french fry. Mmmmm….hot steamy Mickey D french fries."

"Why don't we just go to McDonalds," said Hermione. "It's right by us, plus it would be a wonderful experience for our two purebred witches here." She smiled at Ginny and Alicia.

(A/N: Since I have no idea what Alicia, Katie, and Angelina are, I'm just going to make them up. Alicia will be a purebred witch, Katie will be Muggle born, and Angelina will have a witch mom and Muggle dad. If you don't like it, TOUGH!)

They all walked to the fast food restaurant with the golden arches and ordered something off the breakfast menu except for Gillian who had ordered a Big Mac. Ginny and Alicia had ordered fries with their meal since the other girls were raving about them.

"Mmm," Britney said taking a big bite of her Egg McMuffin. "Y'all sh'd put a McDonald's in yer magic skoo."

"I never thought I'd say this," said Gillian, "but that's not a bad idea, Britney."

After they were finished with their breakfast, they started their trek to find the perfect Yule Ball dress.

"So let me get this straight," Katie said to Britney. "You're going to actually pay for all of our dresses."

Britney nodded. "Yo' bet. Whoff', ah have mo'e money than ah knows how t'add on mah Play School® caculato!"

"What about accessories like shoes and jelwery?" asked Angelina.

"Ah love shoes!" exclaimed Britney. "Of course I'll buy y'all shoes!"

They went to Gucci, Armani, Calvin Klein, Valentino, Dolce and Gabbana, Versace…every posh store they could find. Unfortunately in one of the stores (which should remain nameless) the saleswomen had been very snotty to the girls since they were dressed in jeans and sweaters and had made them leave. Angelina, after buying her black jersey dress at Armani, had returned to the store to one up them.

"Guess you should have treated us more respectfully," she said showing the snooty saleswoman her Armani bag. 

"That was great!" Gillian cried after Angelina had walked out of the store. "Great _Pretty Woman _moment there."

"Oh, ah love _Purdy Woomin!" _exclaimed Britney. "Fry mah hide! Thet's mah favo'ite movie in th'e whole wide wo'ld!"

"Yes, a movie about a whore," said Hermione. "Why doesn't that surprise me in the least?"

Soon everybody had found their perfect Yule Ball dress – everybody that is except for Hermione and Ginny. They were still looking. Angelina and Katie had found their dresses quite quickly with Ginny helping them by telling them what her twin brothers liked (lots of skin that showed!) and didn't like (anything that was too covered up). 

Hermione finally found the dress of her dreams at Valentino. It was a cherry red V-neck matte stretch jersey dress. A rhinestone brooch was pinned between the breasts. It looked very elegant on her and clung to her in all the right places.

"Oh, Hermione, that's gorgeous!" Katie exclaimed when Hermione came out of the dressing room to model it.

"Most definitely," agreed Ginny who grinned. "Ron's gonna turn into a bumbling idiot when he sees you in this. Not that he already isn't!"

Hermione blushed. "I feel so glamorous in this dress!" She frowned. "I just wish there was something I could do about my hair," she said as she touched her bushy brown hair.

"Oh, we should visit a hair salon after Ginny gets her dress!" said Gillian.

It didn't take Ginny much time before she found the dress she was looking for. 

"This is it!" she exclaimed when they were in Bagley Mischa. She was holding up a black dress with a sheer tulle top layer highlighted with black sequins. The dress snugly fit her, showing off her curves. The look was flattering across her bust with the halter-style, u-shaped neckline that had slight gathering. 

"Oh, I love that dress," Katie said.

"Very nice," said Gillian after Ginny had modeled it for them and paid for it. "Okay, let's go find a hair salon!"

"But we have to go back," said Hermione. "Professor McGonagall said once we had all our dresses, we had to go back to Hogswarts."

"But she doesn't know that we've found all the dresses yet," said Angelina. "Come on, let's go to a salon. We already found our perfect dresses! Why not get our hair dolled up as well? You'll pay for our hair too, right Britney?"

"Sho!"

"Well, how could I refuse a free hair style?" sighed Hermione. "Okay, let's go."

They found the most expensive salon (where stars like Jude Law and Kate Winslet went to) and not only got their hair trimmed and washed, but also their nails polished and had their faces exfoliated.

Hermione's had had been turned down to sleek chestnut waves and she was pleased with the results.

"Ah, I feel like a new woman," Alicia said as the exited the salon.

"That place was so cool!" exclaimed Ginny. "They need one of those in the wizarding world."

"I'm hungry," Gillian announced again. "It's been five hours since we last ate."

"Yeah, I'm hungry too," said Alicia.

They found a restaurant and sat at a big round table and ordered a platter of nachos.

"This is so fun," said Ginny. "I wish we could do this every week!"

"Totally," agreed Gillian. "This reminds me of those girls only outings I had with my friends in New York. Ah, those were the days."

"What's it like?" asked Angelina. "What's New York like?"

"Oh, it's the most wonderful place in the world!" gushed Gillian.

"Mervin says he hates Americah because he reckons it's an egotistical place," said Britney. "But he likes Americahn gals because he says they're easy." 

Gillian rolled her eyes.

"I still can't believe you're going to the dance with Malfoy!" Ginny laughed.

"You went to the Halloween Dance with him!"

"Yes, but I was young and stupid back then."

"That was two months ago!"

Angelina started to laugh. "Did you guys hear about Mervin?"

"Mah Mervin!" Britney exclaimed. "Whut about mah Mervin?"

"Rumor has it that he was talking a bath in the Slytherin bathtub and got stuck in the tub!"

The other girls roared with laughter and Hermione let out a snort. 

"Now why doesn't that surprise me at all? Mervin must weigh what? At least 600 pounds?"

"At least," said Katie.

"Hermione, remember when he saw Mervin try out for the Slytherin Quidditch team and he broke the broom in half when he sat on it?" Ginny burst out laughing.

"Oh my God, I thought I would die laughing when I saw that."

"Mervin's so fat that he needs two beds to sleep in!" said Gillian.

"The sad thing is, I think that's true!" laughed Alicia.

"Maybe we should head back now," Hermione said looking at her watch after they had left the restaurant. "It's almost four and the dance starts at eight."

"Yeah, good idea." Angelina said. "We'll need time to get ready."

When they returned McGonagall was a little upset with them since they had gotten back a lot later than she excepted but she was glad to know they were safe and had a good time. 

Britney had run off to find Mervin because she couldn't spend another minute without him and the rest of the girls went up to the seventh girl's dorm to get ready.

"Where are you going?" Ron asked as they went up the stairs. He had been in the Common Room with the twins, Harry, and Lee.

"Upstairs to get ready for the Yule Ball of course!" said Ginny.

"But there's still two hours before it begins!"

"Only two hours!" yelped Angelina. "Come on, girls, we better get a move on!"

Ron looked at the other guys and rolled his eyes. "Girls."

Awww…isn't that special? Coming up in chapter nine: the Yule Ball! 

Oh, yeah and if you're curious…here's a pic of Hermione's dress: http://a1332.g.akamai.net/f/1332/711/23h/ms.bluefly.com/graphics/images_large/0077681_L.jpg

And here's Ginny's dress: http://a1332.g.akamai.net/f/1332/711/23h/ms.bluefly.com/graphics/images_large/0072586_L.jpg

* * *

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	9. Yule Ball

Title: I'm Not a Muggle Not Yet a Wizard 

Author Name: Mariposa 

Author e-mail: ciaosara@hotmail.com

Category: Comedy and Romance (R/H, H/G (or is it D/G??)

Keywords: Harry, Hermione, Ron, Ginny, Draco, Britney Spears 

Rating: PG-13 for language and sexual innuendo 

Spoilers: all books 

Summary: Harry goes to a Britney Spears concert. Britney comes to Hogwarts. Hermione likes Ron. Ron likes Hermione. Ginny is pissed off at Harry. Harry gets jealous when she dates Draco. Britney acts like a slut. What else is new?

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. 

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Celebration! Belongs to Kool and the Gang 

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A Whole New World belongs to Disney 

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Push It belongs to Salt 'n Peppa 

Author's Notes: I'd like to dedicate this story to my sister Mandy who made me believe in myself. Plus she and I like to make fun of Twitney Smears together. And as always, I'd like to thank "Mr. Critic" for giving me the inspiration for a new character, Mervin. And as always, thanks to Rachel my proofreader! 

****

I'm Not a Muggle Not Yet a Wizard 

****

By Mariposa

Chapter 9

Hermione, Ginny, Gillian, Katie, Angelina, and Alicia were in the seventh year girl's dorm getting ready for the Yule Ball and gossiping about who was going with whom. 

"Kjirsten is going with Neville," said Gillian as she zipped up Ginny's dress. "And Jane Roberts is going with Dean Thomas." 

"Seamus is taking Lavender," Hermione said. "Of course that's not surprising since they're dating. And Parvati is going with a Ravenclaw guy her sister set her up with." 

Angelina suddenly broke out laughing.

"What's so funny?" asked Alicia who had been curling her hair with her wand. 

"Do you guys realize that this is Mervin Crunk's fantasy? To be in the same room with six witches in their undergarments?"

"EWWW!" shrieked the other girls. 

"He wouldn't be able to fit through the door anyway," Katie snickered. "I hear the entrance to the fifth year Slytherin boys dorm had to be widened so he could fit through." The others snorted. 

Once they were all dressed and had done their hair and put on their make-up and jewelry, they oohed and awed over each other. On they way down to the Common Room, they ran into Collin Creevy. "Looking good ladies," he said. "J-Lo and Cammi Di ain't got nothing on you." 

Gillian smiled. "Thanks, Colin." 

Fred, George and Lee were waiting in the Common Room for their dates. Fred let out a fox whistle when he saw Angelina and she grinned and blushed. Fred linked his arm through hers and George and Lee did the same with Katie and Alicia. 

"Ron and Harry will be down shortly," George told Hermione and his sister. 

The three couples and Gillian headed down to the Great Hall. A few minutes later Ron and Harry came down looking snazzy in their suits. Their mouths dropped open and their eyes bugged out when they saw their dates. Immediately, Ron's eyes wandered down to the sparkling rhinestone brooch pinned between Hermione's bosoms. His jaw dropped open at how much her dress was revealing. His face turned red right away. 

"You look beautiful, Hermione," he finally managed to say. 

Hermione smiled back. "You don't look too shabby yourself, Ron Weasley." 

Meanwhile, Harry was still gawking at Ginny and all thoughts of her being Ron's younger sister left his mind. Her black dress fit her perfectly and the color contrasted wonderfully with her red hair which was coiled up in a twist. 

"You look very lovely, Ginny," he said. 

She beamed. "Thank you." 

He took her hand and Ron took Hermione's and they headed down to the Great Hall. When they opened the door to the Great Hall, they gasped at what they saw. The huge room had been transferred into a winter wonderland. Snow was falling lightly from the rafters and Dumbledore had charmed it so it didn't have a temperature. Ice castles, snowmen, and large snowballs and snowflakes made up the scenery. The snowmen were even blinking and waving at them. Even a large gingerbread house stood in one corner. 

__

Celebrate good times, come on! 

Celebrate good times, come on! 

There's a party going on right here 

A celebration that lasts throughout the years 

So bring your good times and your laughter too 

We're gonna celebrate your party with you 

Cel-e-bra-tion 

We gonna celebrate and have a good time. 

It's time to come together 

It's up to you, what's your pleasure? 

Everybody around the world come on! 

* * 

"Draco, are you ready yet? The dance has already started," said Crabbe. 

He and Goyle were standing behind their friend who was looking at the mirror, pulling a gold comb through his silver blond hair. 

He sighed heavily. "Why did it have to be me?" 

"What?" asked Goyle. 

"Why did I have to be cursed with such good looks? It's just unbelievably ridiculous how really, really, really, really, really good-looking I am. You two don't know how easy you have it." 

Goyle and Crabbe looked at each other, not sure whether Draco was complimenting them or not. After Draco made sure his custom-made Gucci suit was smoothed down and he looked perfect to a T, they headed down to the Yule Ball. Draco walked over to Gillian and approved of her dark purple silk slip dress.

"So I hear your father works on Wall Street," he said. 

Gillian rolled her eyes. Leave it to Malfoy to bring the conversation to money. 

More people came streaming in through the doors. Dean and Jane came in hand in hand, Jane wearing a satin dress in a dark peach color. Britney came in wearing her black tattered dress from her _Stronger _video, with Mervin behind her. He was four times wider than her and dressed in a powder-blue polyester suit with ruffles. Even Oliver and Charlie came with their gorgeous girlfriends, Mandy and Sara. Mandy was wearing a gold lamee slinky dress, her red hair flowing down her shoulders like a waterfall. Sara had on a floral print silk dress, her shiny black hair also flowing down her back. Everyone was dancing with their dates and was having a wonderful time. Gillian even got to dance with Oliver and thought she had died and gone to heaven. Draco wasn't too happy when she went back to him and accidentally called him Oliver. 

"Great party, eh?" Fred said to Ginny and Harry who had come over to the refreshment table. He threw a peanut butter cluster into his mouth. 

Harry nodded. "Oh, yes, a blast." He grinned at Ginny who grinned back. 

Angelina smiled at them. "You two make a really cute couple." 

"Oh, they're not a couple, Angie," said Fred. "They just came as friends." 

Ginny rolled her eyes. Obviously the idea of her having a boyfriend was non-existent to her brothers. 

***

Ron came up to Hermione who was at the refreshment table and put his arms around her waist. "Meet me in the Astronomy Tower in fifteen minutes," he whispered in her ear. 

"Ron!" she said, immediately embarrassed. It was no secret the Astronomy Tower was a make out place for the students of Hogswarts. 

Ron winked at her and walked away. After a few minutes Hermione slinked out the doors and walked to the Astronomy Tower where she waited for Ron. She had been waiting for a few minutes when she heard him say her name. 

"Ron?" she said looking towards the entrance, but nobody was there. 

"Behind you, Hermione." 

Hermione whirled around and gasped at what she saw. Ron was outside the window floating on something. She walked over, put her hands on the windowsill and saw that Ron was sitting on a floating Oriental rug. 

He grinned. "It's a magic carpet. Hope on!" 

Hermione stepped up onto the window ledge and Ron took her hand and helped her onto the rug. "Oh, Ron, this is so romantic!" she exclaimed as Ron wrapped a cherry red cloak around her. 

(A/N: does this seem familiar to anybody…no…well keep reading :-D) 

They were high above the grounds of Hogswarts, the magic carpet taking them over the lake and hills. 

"I can show you the world," Ron sang. "Shining, shimmery, splendid. Tell me princess, now when did you last let your heart decide?" He put his arms around Hermione and held her close. "I can open your eyes, take you wonder by wonder. Over side ways and under on a magic carpet ride. A whole new world, a new fantastic point of view. No one to tell us no or where to go or say we're only dreaming." 

"A whole new world," Hermione started to sing. "A dazzling place I never knew. But now from way up here, it's crystal clear that now I'm in a whole new world with you." She gazed down at the trees and fields below them. "Unbelievable sights, indescribable feelings! Soaring, tumbling, free wheeling through an endless diamond sky. A whole new world!" 

"Don't you dare close your eyes," sang Ron. 

"A hundred thousand things to see," sang Hermione. 

"Hold your breath, it gets better," sang Ron. 

They sang together now in unison: "I'm like a shooting star, I've come so far. I can't go back to where I used to be. A whole new world with new horizons to pursue. I'll chase them anywhere, there's time to spare. Let me share this whole new world with you." 

"A whole new world." 

"A whole new world."

"That's where we'll be." 

"Where we will be." 

"A thrilling chase." 

"A wondrous place for you and me."

*

Meanwhile, back at the Yule Ball, Mervin was getting down and funky. 

__

Ah, push it 

Ah, push it 

Ooh baby, baby

Baby, baby 

Ooh, baby, baby 

Baby baby 

Mervin was shaking his fat booty to the song. His belly was jiggling like a supersized bowl full of jelly. He swerved his hips to the tune of the song while singing the lyrics. 

__

Get up on this! 

Ah push it! 

Ah push it! 

Ah push it! 

Get up on this! 

Ah push it! 

Get up on this! 

OW! Baby! 

Mervin was now break dancing on the floor with the other students around him chanting, "Go Mervin! Go Mervin! Go Mervin! Go! Go! Go!" 

Mervin got back up, buckets of sweat pouring down his face. Oh, how he wished Hermione were here to see how cool he was! He began to moonwalk across the floor. He grabbed his crotch and yelped, "OW!"

Now wait a minute, y'all 

This dance ain't for everybody 

Only the sexy people 

So all you fly mothers, get on out there and dance 

Dance, I said! 

The chantings of "Go Mervins!" became louder and he jumped up on a table, soon followed by Professor Pervin Crunk who was dressed in the same kind of polyester ruffled suit his son was wearing, only his was pink. (Like father, like son!) They were both getting down and jiggy on the table, shaking their booties and moving their hips. The table had an unbreakable charm on it, or else it would have collapsed being under 900 pounds of Crunks. 

__

Salt and Peppa's here, and we're in effect

Want to push it, babe

Coolin' by day then at night working up a sweat

C'mon girls, let's go show the guys that we know

How to become number one in a hot party show 

Now push it 

Ah, push it - push it good 

Ah, push it - push it real good 

Ah, push it - push it good 

Everyone cheered when the song ended. Draco rolled his eyes. Why did his roommates have to be such idiots? A slow song came on and the couples went back to dancing. 

*** 

Ginny was very happy. She had her arms around Harry's neck and her chin resting on his shoulders and he had his arms around her waist. She felt like she could stay in this position forever. 

The song ended and Harry and Ginny walked over to the refreshment table where Harry poured two cups of punch. Ginny gulped down her drink quickly. 

"Whoo, it's warm in here," she said fanning herself. 

"Want to go out in the hall?" Harry suggested. "I think it's cooler out there." 

Ginny nodded and they walked out in the hall and sat on a bench right outside the Great Hall double doors. 

"Hmm, I wonder where my brother and Hermione are? I haven't seen them in awhile." 

"Maybe they're off somewhere having fun." Harry grinned. 

Ginny laughed. "I hope McGonagall doesn't catch them having fun." 

Harry laughed too, then turned to Ginny smiling at her. "I'm really having lots of fun tonight." 

"Me too," said Ginny. "I'm glad you asked me to the Yule Ball." 

"Me too." Ginny was now starting to blush at the way Harry was looking at her. He leaned in closer and whispered in her ear, "You really are beautiful, you know that?" 

Ginny's heart started to pound faster and she wondered if Harry was drunk. But then she hadn't seen him drink any alcoholic beverages that night, unless somebody had spiked the punch, which couldn't have been, because she felt fine and she drank the punch. Harry cupped his hand under Ginny's chin and she closed her eyes as he brought her closer to him. She could feel his lips press against hers as he took her in a deep kiss and could feel his hands on her hair, untwisting her coil and running his hands through her hair. 

She sighed contently as she was engulfed by his kiss. "Wow," she said once Harry pulled away from her.

"Yeah, wow," Harry said as he ran his hand through his hair. "That was amazing. So amazing, I think I'd like to do it again."

***

The next Monday in their Intimate Relations class Professor Crunk came in and started handing out small plastic packages to the students. 

"What are these?" asked Seamus. 

"Condoms," Professor Crunk announced. "The school has required I give them to all my students. You never know when you're gonna get laid." 

"Huh, huh, look this looks like a balloon," Crabbe said stupidly as he blew air in the condom. 

"I'm even passing these out to you witches in case you find some stud wizard you want to get it on with," said Crunk. 

"Hey, dad, these tastes like chocolate!" said Mervin who was sucking on his condom. 

Professor Crunk chuckled. "That's right. They come in a variety of flavors including chocolate, cherry, butterscotch, and caramel. I find they really spice up the sex life." 

"Hey, look, I can fit this over my head!" Mervin said. He had stretched the condom over his head and everyone burst out laughing.

"I'm surprised you can even fit that over your fat head," Hermione said sarcastically. 

"All right class," Monsieur Chapeau said. "Professor Crunk is going to how you how to put on a condom." 

"Thank you, Monsieur Chapeau," Crunk said as he held up a banana. "See this banana? I'm going to demonstrate putting a condom on it." 

Crabbe looked dumbfounded. "You mean you put these things on bananas?"

Draco rolled his eyes. "No, you moron. You put them on your, you know." 

But Crabbe shook his head, still confused. "Oh, for Merlin's sake." Draco leaned over and whispered in his ear. Crabbe immediately started giggling. 

"Now watch me closely," Professor Crunk said as he demonstrated putting a condom on the banana. After he was done, the students all tried it after him. "Very good!" he said, beaming proudly. "You'll be sexperts in no time!"

* *

The next week was the beginning of the Christmas holiday. Harry would have the run of the Gryffindor Tower along with the Weasleys, and oh yes, Britney Spears. Hermione wanted to stay with them, but her parents were taking on her a holiday trip to Spain. She and Ron had been spending all of their time together until the second she had to leave. The evening before the holiday break began, Harry, Ron, and Hermione exchanged Christmas gifts. 

Harry gave Ron a huge book on Quidditch and Hermione a brand new copy of Hogswarts: A History because she had already worn out her old copy. Hermione gave Harry a huge bag of chocolate frogs and Ron was given the new Quidditch board game. Ron gave Harry a wand polisher Hermione opened the small box Ron handed her. 

"Oh, Ron!" she gasped as she opened the small black box revealing a pair of sapphire earrings. "They're beautiful!" 

Ron smiled and blushed. "I knew I had to get them for you, Hermione, since your birthstone is the sapphire. September 19th is the most special day in the world because it was the day you were born." 

(A/N I was born on September 19th *tee hee hee*) 

"Aww, Ron, you shouldn't have." She leaned over to kiss him and their kiss turned into a make-out session making Harry feel uncomfortable. He cleared his throat and they jumped apart. 

"Er, sorry, mate," said Ron.

Harry grinned. "No problem." 

"Oh, Ron, I'm going to miss you so much when I'm in Spain," said Hermione. "I'll miss you too, Harry." 

"Just be sure to bring us back a souvenir," Ron said with a wink. 

* **

Harry and Ginny spent as much time as they could together alone during the holidays.

"Ginny, when are we going to let people know we're together?" Harry asked her as they sat snuggled on a couch in the Common Room together. Everyone else was outside having a snowball fight.

Ginny had asked Harry not to tell anyone they were together until she found a way to break the news gently to her brothers. They were very protective of her and were ready to murder any guy she was dating...even if it was Harry.

"Soon...I promise. I just don't know how to tell Ron and my other brothers that we're dating."

"Gin, I really appreciate you looking out for my well-being, but I don't think you have to worry about your brother's beating me to a pulp. I am Ron's best friend."

"Yes, but in a way, that's going to make it even more difficult to tell him."

"Really? You think? Why?"

"Well, think about it. If you had a younger sister, what would you think if she started dating Ron?"

Harry pondered this for a moment and then finally said, "Well, considering I don't have a younger sister, I can't really express my feelings about this."

Ginny playfully hit him with a pillow. "I just don't think Ron is going to be fine about his best friend dating his little sister. Oh sure, I'm sure he'll get used to it. We just need a way to break it to him – and my other brothers – gently."

"Okay, fair enough." He leaned in closer to her and gave her a loving kiss. "But promise me you'll tell them soon because I'm tired of sneaking around just to kiss you!"

"Okay," Ginny agreed. "Now why don't we go out and join the snowball fight before they start to wonder where we are."

* **

"Happy Christmas, Voldie," Michael Bay said handing his lover a red box with a green bow tied around it.

"Oh, Michael, you shouldn't have!" Voldemort cried with delight as his white, skeletal hands took the box. He opened it and found red silk boxer shorts with snowmen on them.

"I got them in red so they would match your beautiful eyes," Michael told him.

"Oh, they're just wonderful!" Voldemort said giving his lover a kiss. "I'm afraid my gift isn't as nice. Here." He handed Michael a small black box.

"A piece of volcanic rock!" Michael exclaimed as he opened the box. "I'll treasure it forever, Voldie."

"You know Michael, since it's Christmas Eve, I say we forget about being evil dominators of the world and just enjoy the peace and warmth of the day."

"Of course. We do need a break from all our evil plotting anyway."

Voldie raised his arms over head and started to sing in a deep voice, "It's Christmastime; there's no need to be afraid. At Christmastime, we let in light and we banish shade."

Michael put his arm around him and crooned, "And in our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy. Throw your arms around the world at Christmastime!"

Scene cuts to Draco who is looking out his window at Malfoy Manor at the snow covered grounds. "But say a prayer to pray for the other ones. At Christmastime it's hard, but when you're having fun, there's a world outside your window. And it's a world of dread and fear where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears."

Scene cuts to Harry who is in the Common Room singing as he decorated a Christmas tree. "And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom. Well tonight thank Merlin it's them instead of you."

Scene cuts to Hermione who is singing on a beach in Barcelona. "And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmastime. The greatest gift they'll get this year is life. Oh, where nothing ever grows, no rain or rivers flow. Do they know it's Christmastime at all?"

Scene cuts to elfs and pixies dancing in the snow and playing flutes.

Scene cuts to the Great Hall where Dumbedore is hosting the Christmas feast with the teachers and the students who stayed for the holiday break. Ron raises his goblet as she sings, "Here's to you, raise a glass for everyone."

Harry also raises his goblet as he sings, "Here's to them, underneath that burning sun."

Everyone else raises their tumblers in unison as they sing, "Do they know it's Christmastime at all?"  
  
(A/N: so how did you like my little musical? Anyone remember that song? I love it!)

That night at dinner, Professor Dumbledore had two special announcements. "Students, may I please have you attention. First of all, I would like to welcome you back after your Christmas holidays. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday and I wish you a very happy New Year. Second of all, I would like to announce that in a few weeks we will be having the first annual Hogswarts Talent Show!" The Great Hall buzzed with excitement. "If you would like to participate, please see your House's Headmaster to get a form. We except all kinds of talents – singing, dancing, comedy skits, instruments, anything! Also, you may be in as many skits as your heart desires." 

"A talent show!" Ron said excitedly turning his attention back to Hermione and Harry. "Are you guys going to sign up for it?"

Harry shrugged. "Maybe. Though I don't know what I would do." 

"You could recite a poem about Quidditch," Hermione joked. 

"Ha ha, very funny. And perhaps you could lull everybody asleep by reciting every fascinating fact in Hogswarts: A History?" He said the word "fascinating" with a sarcastic tone. 

"Well, I'm gonna sign up," said Ron. "Though I don't know what I'll do either." 

"I'm sure whatever you decide, it will be great," Hermione said as she leaned over to kiss him on the cheek.

"And as for the second announcement," Dumbledore continued, "it has been decided that each Quidditch team should have their own cheerleading team and next week try outs will be held for seven spots on each team. That is all. Carry on."

Ahhh...I am SO sorry this chapter is so short and it took me forever to write it. I've been a bit busy. Well coming up in the next chapter: the talent show and cheerleading try outs. And oh yes. You can bet on your little booties that there will be _Bring It On _references. Oh, how I love that movie. Hmm...but I need more Slytherin girls. There's only like 2 mentioned in the series. Anyone wanna be in my story as a bitchy Slytherin cheerleader? LOL

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